Curse of the Cliff Bars

I actually had to take them to the outside trash and throw them out. Those cursed Cliff Bars haunted me the night before weigh in last week. I ate 5. I know, and I just got done telling you all how I was so over the bar addiction. GAH!

5 CLIFF BARS!!

Do not make me calculate the sodium, sugar, etc in those things. I felt so disgusted that I threw them out. Never mind the cost of a case of Cliff Bars (which had been residing in a closet, untouched except when we go hiking, etc).

Needless to say I showed up at weigh in today still feeling like I had a food baby. (Urban Dictionary defines a food baby as: "when you eat so much, that your stomach looks pregnant", and notes that " generally cause discomfort and possible gas or embarrassment" and also states that these generally happen "after committing gluttony").

Committing? It sounds so sinful.

It was.

Honestly, poor sweet Woodstock. I staggered in for my weigh in and told her of my crime- Cliff Bar overdose. (I should note that Skinny Buns and I have since declared that Cliff Bars do not taste - or look- even halfway decent so clearly gorging on them was motivated by emotions, not taste. You can say that again).

Determined to have a good workout, I came up with some new terms which could prove useful for anyone else out there prone to bar abuse:

• Clifftuplets- not just a food baby, but a food baby caused by eating 5 Cliff Bars
• Cliff Notes- when you blog about overindulgence in Cliff Bars
• Cliff Hanger- the feeling at weigh in when you would rather hang than see what Cliff has done to your weight.
• Cliff Diving- the moments before you make the big Cliff mistake by opening the first wrapper

And so with a bit of humor and a lot of abdominal cramping, I survived a good strong workout.

All joking aside it really sucked to have to go to weigh in. I elected not to look at the scale, so I did a blind weigh in. But you know what- I have a home scale, and I know how I feel and let me say that I've set myself up for a long week of 'clean up' (that's what I call having to eat extra careful and perfect, on the low end of my calorie range, just to make up for a few dumb choices.

Dangerous Game

First of all, I have been bad about writing, which usually means I write like 4 posts in a day. So expect more.

Second, I had a rough week. I mean ROUGH. You see, I've been playing a dangerous game with eating (and no, I don't mean swallowing watermelon seeds).

On weekends I started this sorta bad habit of eating too much on Friday nights. But Fridays are weigh in day, so I recovered pretty well. Then I started eating more on Saturdays also, which required a lot more discipline to recover. At first it was just extra food that was good for me- like extra cheese sticks or an extra Greek yogurt. Sounds harmless, right?

WRONG!!

Because then I started eating Naughty Foods (sugar, etc) during those times, and recovering became even harder. But last week I did it- I still lost like 2.2 pounds.

And then it happened, I really messed up my eating and I couldn't stop. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. WHAT!? It was Wednesday before I could get my eating under control. Dang. And do you want to know who I blame? Cliff, who makes Cliff Bars, because that was what I could not stop eating. But nah, I blame myself (and Cliff a little bit. And Piggy).

I always knew this was a risky game, but it was only this week that I discovered how you slowly begin to think you can cheat and then it catches up with you.

Admittedly I did not think of it as cheating at first, it was just a little extra here and there but it grew. And this is pretty much exactly how I lost control of my eating when I gained all this weight. The reality is, taking and keeping weight off is work and requires diligence. No time for lazy, no space for wiggling in extra food. It all counts.

So here I am, night before a weigh in I am dreading more than ANY other weigh in since I started 20/20. But I have learned something, and it feels kinda good to know I have identified what has been happening and taken control of it.

And yep, I'll pay the piper tomorrow, but not next week, or the week after, because I am learning. And that's what its all about...

How to Cook Pumpkin

After a modicum of success making chicken pumpkin black bean chili, I decided I was ready to hit the big time. I was not only going to make this fantastic chili, I was going to cook the pumpkin for it, instead of using canned. I thought that someone out there might find my instructions helpful, so I am posting them.

Steps:

1. Go to PCC or Whole Foods and get organic cooking pumpkins. Not the kind you carve faces into, these are smaller. You might be unsure of how many to get, so do like me and get 5 of them, then choke on your own tongue when you realize you've just spent $14 to make your own pumpkin (for sale at Safeway, 2 cans for $4).
2. Take pumpkins home. Fret about where to store them. (House is too warm, porch might freeze- can they freeze? Is that bad? No space in fridge, etc.)
3. Threaten your children within an inch of their lives if they color on/mess with/are seen gazing for too long at cooking pumpkins.
4. Tell everyone you know that you are going to cook your own pumpkin, tell a few people you don't know. Really commit.
5. Think about looking up instructions, but don't actually print any or even decide which method you are going to use.
6. Get advice from superchef friend about how to boil it.
7. Spend 45 minutes looking up ways to cook it, with frequent side trips to Facebook and Etsy.
8. Decide to boil it.
9. Forget that your last soup debacle ended up with you in tears throwing your giant (cheap, crappy) soup kettle into the garbage can outside because after the exhaustion of making (then burning) the soup you just couldn't face cleaning the pan.
10. Dig out your great grandmother's old dutch oven style pot, which is always half as big as you need it to be. Remind self to buy a new large pot.
11. Cut pumpkins in half, remind self to buy Miracle Blade Knife set for Christmas.
12. Scoop out seeds and stringy crap, both of which you will find remnants of for the next 2 weeks in places you never dreamed of.
13. Begin wiping hands on pants and shirt, curse self for not having an apron.
14. Drop pieces of cut pumpkin into boiling water. Forget about them until sizzling sound of pot boiling over reminds you.
15. Set timer for 30 minutes. Go into living room and immediately begin fighting off the deepest sleep that has ever come over you.
16. When timer goes off, stab pumpkin with fork to see if it is tender. Accidentally break off several pieces of pumpkin, mumble under breath about needing a new pot, and check cupboard for canned pumpkin (just in case).
17. remove pumpkin from hot water, forgetting to put on a hot pad so Great Granny's metal pot handle is sure to sear your hand. You'll need something to remember this by when all the dried slime and seeds finally disappear.
18. let pumpkin cool on counter.
19. Begin second batch (I *said* the pot was too small) and chuckle to self about how easy this is. Begin picturing self making large batches and freezing this to use until next summer. Decide what color label will go on jars of your Homemade Pumpkin that your friends will surely want to try.
20. When pumpkin is cool, scrape meat out of skin. Drop several pieces, immediately wasting good pumpkin and about 800 paper towels to clean it up.
21. Say quick thanks to the Tupperware Gods that you somehow acquired a giant, wonderful Tupperware just the right size for all this pumpkin.
22. Curse whoever left 'giant' Tupperware at your house for not getting one size up, because it turns out that you suddenly have a buttload of pumpkin.
23. Remove second batch of pumpkin from stove when stray seed catches fire on burner, filling house with smoke and testing fire alarms.
24. Continue scraping pumpkin out. Drop large chunk down front of dishwasher, and onto the floor. Consider kicking air in disgust but think twice because you know this will land you in the ER with a bruised coccyx.
25. Burn hand on piece of pumpkin from most recent batch, nowhere near cool enough to touch.
26. Begin throwing pumpkin-y dishtowels into the wash, realize you have now only 1 dishtowel clean and tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
27. Start load of laundry.
28. Finish scraping out pumpkin meat, grin cleverly at bag of pumpkin guts, seeds and skin as you realize you have FINALLY remembered some food waste to put in the yard waste bin, and the trash company has only been begging you for 2 years.
29. Place Tupperware containers into refrigerator, wonder where you'll get the energy to make the soup you cooked this for.
30. Grab shopping list, add "Canned Pumpkin" to it, so next time you get an idea like this you may save you from yourself.
31. Look down, realize clothing is covered in pumpkin. Consider going to bed fully dressed in pumpkiny clothing and contemplate how hard you'll clobber your husband if he comments.
32. Pick pumpkin out of hair, change into jammies and hit the hay. After all, tomorrow you've got to mash all that pumpkin and get started on the real recipe.

The chili turned out great (again) but I am going to be honest, I do not think I preferred the fresh over the canned. It tasted great, but so did the canned, and it's worth saving the time because who knows, I might find another great recipe one of these days.

Here comes Thanksgiving

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The fattest holiday of all.

Go away.

I have kinda been dreading Thanksgiving. You see, usually we spend it at my brother-in-law's house, he is an amazing cook and every year I eat until I can eat no more, then I have seconds and thirds and end up in a state that requires Alka Seltzer to even stand up straight by the end of the day. As always, we were invited to go over. But we said no.

Now naturally you are thinking, " WHAT? Are you avoiding it? You can't avoid food forever, you know. Why not bring your own items, and drink a gallon of water before mealtime, and---"

This is when I jump in and cut you off with my answer. "Because I don't want to."

I have had a particularly stressful past few weeks, and I am exhausted. I've eaten well for the most part, but I've been on a plateau and frankly I am tiring of up/down weigh ins. And honestly, I am not sure I want to (not can, want to) deal with trying to dodge the tantalizing cakes Lee and Irma will bring, nor do I feel like marching past the stuffing with a mouth full of celery. For that reason, staying home sounds wonderful, and low key.

There will come a time when I can do this (heck, I've been to a number of events over this past several months and made great choices) but I think sometimes success doesn't mean suffering all day and eating healthy, sometimes it means doing what you know is right for you at the time.

So tomorrow I am making more pumpkin soup (with fresh pumpkins, kinda exciting) and I've got some of my favorite healthy foods to eat- fresh green beans, berries, etc. And I am going to enjoy my Thanksgiving meal with a side dish of relaxation.

No Parking

On the days I don't have training sessions with Woodstock (Tues and Thurs) I like to do long fast walks or walk/jogs. In summer, I did these at home around my neighborhood and I love those walks. But now its crummy cold wet Seattle fall, and my wonderful walking route is a dark and dreary cement drudge in the dark by 5 pm.

Now I have never shown signs of melting potential, so I know that I am capable of going in the rain, but sometimes these walks take place on my lunch break at work. I do not like to return to work all rained on and looking like something the cat dragged in.

So today I had this conversation with myself

"Hey, what about the parking garage?"

"Ew. the parking garage is very ugly and cold. And dreadfully boring. I won't walk there."

"Fine, go walking in the dark rain alone when you get home from work, you'll probably slip into a ditch and get stuck and drown. If a car doesn't hit you and leave you for dead."

And that was how Garage Walks were born.

Our Parking garage connects 3 buildings, and even has some ramps. I was right, it is pretty boring out there but I didn't have my Zune so I was kind of prepared for some quiet walking time. But hey, I survived and I found a new place to exercise where I don't get my head wet. No more parking!

Orange you glad you like Carrots?

"One man, aged 40, from UK, had started to eat carrots when he stopped smoking. He ate more than five bunches of them per day (but nobody says how many there were in each bunch). He said that when he was not eating carrots, he thought about them all the time."

more here

Thinking about carrots is not a big issue for me, but I do eat a lot of baby carrots, and now hands are orange. No joke.

I tried to deny it- my husband noticed first and I denied it. "I don't eat that many!" I howled, afraid he'd try to step between me and the baby carrots. He patiently just shook his head. I'm happier and healthier, maybe it's worth being orange.

But today I showed Woodstock and she agreed, they're orange. We laughed so hard. She had another client who had orange hands after lots of carrots and some pumpkin...

Ahhh, so this is where the pumpkin soup comes in? I have no idea, but maybe it was all the carrots and the pumpkin soup that tipped me over the edge of paleness (into the orange). Sounds like it's time for me to determine what a healthy serving of carrots is, and how many I can get away with before I glow.

20 Week Check In- Scorecard

Not sure why, but Blogger doesn't want to let me edit old posts (grrrr) so here I am dropping a new blog post in just so I can talk about bloodwork. And inches. And BP- oh my :)

Inches

I have lost 21.75 inches. A few examples:

• I've lost 4.75 inches off my waist
• 4.5 inches off my hips
• 1 inch off my neck.
• 4 inches off my bust

Blood Pressure

• My blood pressure was 151/104 to start with. And I was on blood pressure prescription medication at the time. Yikes.
• At 20 weeks it's 119/81. Much better, and I've been off the medication for months. My BP goal is 110/70...

Blood Test

• Cholesterol - went from 238-154
• HDL - went from 52 to 54 (this is the good one- think Happy DL- so we want it to go up)
• LDL - went from 141 to 88

So I am feeling pretty good. No, not just about these numbers (though I did consider getting a t-shirt with them on it to show them off) but I really FEEL GOOD. I got so used to being sick and tired and going to the doctor constantly trying to determine what was wrong, it feels good to feel great. Not to sound like a commercial but as Thanksgiving approaches I am thankful for 20/20 every single day.

Getting Some Class

Exercise class, not classy class.

This week I only have two appointments with Woodstock, so I needed to find something challenging to do for my Wednesday workout. I figured I'd get in trouble for following her around with her Wed am client this week, trying to copy whatever they did, so I found a class. (Okay, she suggested one).

It's called Circuit Training and it starts at 6:15 am. Perfect! Here's the description:

"Blend energizing cardio with serious muscle strengthening. Get variety and the motivation you need to finish your workout strong."

Now I've seen this class take place, because the room it's in is right behind the warm up bikes where we watch our 20/20 videos. (Photo above from ProClub website) People come out looking pretty sweaty, so I knew I was in for a workout.

And was I ever nervous. I raced in there, and people were stacking weights all over the ground. Each in his/her own space. What the heck? I thought this was mostly cardio with a few weights around. I met the instructor, grabbed a few weights and hopped onto a treadmill. The first 15 minutes or so, we did cardio and then we all came into the middle for weights.

Music is playing the whole time, thank goodness I've been listening to some pop music lately (so I can keep up with my teenagers) so I recognized Lady Gaga and a few other songs.

The weight part is hard- I can't remember how many of each exercise we did, but I think it was 4 sets of 8. The instructor is very clever- she counts forward and backward and talks about technique while you forget that you've done so many reps you won't be able to raise your water bottle at the end. I know this because I picked mine up and sprayed myself in the face halfway through.

Every so often, we all get on a machine (they have elliptical, treadmills, bikes, and this thing that looks like a horrible climbing machine) and we stay there for 4 or 5 minutes. Then back to weights.

I really liked this class, it is something I could see myself doing long-term to stay in shape. It lasts just over an hour including stretching (she takes you through a lovely stretching routine) and you leave knowing you got a great workout.

When I got to the locker room, I checked my heart rate monitor. Here's what it said

Total time: 1 hour, 12 minutes

Average heart rate: 120

Peak heart rate: 177

Pretty good workout, if you ask me. I'll be doing this for the next couple weeks on days I am not with Woodstock. (Now that I am in Phase 2, I only see Woodstock 2 times per week for workouts).

20 Week Check In

Right now I am working on my 20 week check in. I got blood drawn for lab work, measurements done, and another Dexa Scan (the last one was at my intake).

My starting body fat was 41.8% (gross!)
Current body fat is 27.4%
I've reduced my body fat by 14.4 % in 20 weeks

My BMI is 25.4 today (it was 31.8, it has come down 6.4)

I've lost 42 pounds total
I've gained 5 lbs of muscle

I used to have 85 lbs of fat on my body, now I have 46 lbs of fat on my body.

So what now....

I still want to lose about 28 pounds, and further reduce my body fat (I have my goal number somewhere, I need to find that). Right now my goal is to get to a flat 25 BMI by next Friday (day after Thanksgiving). That's about 4 pounds away, not sure I can make it but I'll try like heck!

Needless to say, I am proud of my progress. There are times I wish I was losing the pounds faster, but seeing these numbers help me remember that it's about the overall picture.

I can't wait to see my blood work results because I was just 1 point from pre-diabetes when I started the program and that was frightening as I have a family history (on Mom's side) of diabetes. Did I just say that I am excited about bloodwork results? My hubby is right, I am turning into a HealthBot!!! The Lord of the Diet would be so proud!

A "right now" List

Here's a list of things that are motivating me right now:

• No more large lady sizes. You know how awesome it feels to know that I can't even shop at Lane Bryant anymore? Not won't, but CAN'T! Sorry, Lane, but there's no better feeling than leaving you behind.
• Way more energy- it's amazing. I stay much busier because I don't feel sick and tired all the time.
• Speaking of sick, I get sick way less often.
• New goals- next goal: learn to knit. I started this a few years ago but now that I
  need my hands busy more often, it's a perfect time.
• Not so camera shy- I can just snap a picture now and not immediately detest it.
  Changed my driver's license- it had expired. You know how amazing it is to have them
  take 40 pounds OFF the weight they show on the license? Feels great!
• Ready for another 5k- this time we're doing the Resolution Run which ends in (yes IN) the waters of Lake Washington, the Polar Bear Dip. Crazy fun.

Sometimes I just jot down a few things to remind myself to keep on keepin' on....

Soup's On

Today I made Pumpkin Soup. Who me? Yep, me. And I daresay it turned out deeeee-lightful. Huge thanks to Woodstock, who gave me the recipe. (I am bringing her a cup of it to the gym tomorrow).

Okay, so here's the recipe:

In a soup pan, saute (in 1 tb canola oil)
1 medium onion
2 tsp chopped garlic
1 yellow pepper, diced
1 green or red pepper, diced

then add in 1 lb of ground chicken or turkey
and cook until browned.

now throw in
1 can of pumpkin
1 can of low/no- sodium tomatoes (or a couple medium size chopped tomatoes)
1 can of black beans (drained and rinsed)

Cook on medium for 20 minutes

Serve with nonfat sour cream or nonfat green yogurt and some low or nonfat shredded cheese. Superb!

I need to use a calorie counter to get the specifics, from my estimation it's about 325 calories per serving (which is a good size cup). I'll edit this post with the nutritional info when I get it.

Feelin Groovy

Not sure Groovy is the right word, but I am back in the groove. Positive self-talk, working the program the way I know it works and trucking along. My weigh in today was much better than I expected- I removed the 1.4 lbs I was up last week. (if you recall, I had been sick and probably had some water weight).

I am guessing that this week I maintained (considering how off track I was until Tues) and the water/whatever from being sick left. Either way, I am back to 6.6 lbs away from a BMI of 25, and that's my goal by the end of Thanksgiving week. I feel really positive about this goal, it will put me at a place where I have just 20 lbs to lose total.

Next week I am only with Woodstock for two training sessions instead of 3, so I am going to try my first Class- it's a cardio circuit class. I'm nervous but excited about it. If I see Woodstock or the Eagle Guru or SkinnyBuns walk by the room (all windows to the main gym) I am afraid I am going to be tempted to scream "LOOK AT ME, I AM DOING IT!!"

Which makes me think of this:

Digging into the Issue

Sigh.
This has been my toughest couple weeks. I was had a challenge I was trying to meet- to reach a certain BMI/weight by a specific time (not a program requirement, just a challenge by someone I admire- the 20/20 program has never number challenged me) and I freaked. And I hurried up and failed so that I wouldn't have to risk not succeeding.

And it stunk.

My past couple weeks has been an up/down affair- last week, up 1.4. The week before, down. The week prior, barely down. Basically since this challenge was verbalized, I started to quake in my boots. And it wasn't a challenge like a threat. Or intimidation- it was an offer. "Hey, if you can get here, I'd love to give you a gift to reward you". How nice is that? But I freaked. I balked. I prepared for failure and I hit the mark.


But this journey is not about failing and quitting. There is no room for spiraling back into hopeless overeating and miserable habits- I have an amazing team who is right by my side the entire way. So I opened up, admitted how I was struggling, and you know what? It's okay. Lesson learned.

But not the easy way. No lesson is learned the easy way, or I would never have ended up so overweight and unhealthy. It was time to unearth some issues.... this is where the brilliant lifestyle coach/counselor component of 20/20 helps so much.

Once we identified that I seem to have an adverse reaction to specific challenges (when they come from other people, I do fine if I set the goal) we dug in. I do fine with these when it comes to work, I relish a challenge there.... but somehow this had to be tied to my weight/personal successes.

The ridiculous part is that I have set goals for myself over the past 4 months and never freaked out like this- and the goals I set myself were no easier than this one.

I realized I was filtering things in a manner that was very black and white- I win, or I lose. No 2nd place. But life just isn't like that- sometimes you come in second and you are proud of the fact that you even made it to the finish line. Some days you should be proud you even showed up to the race.

So my "challenger" was kind enough to extend the offer- letting me know that if I can meet the goal 3 weeks from now, I can consider it a win (and get my prize). I feel confident I can meet this goal (same time frame I was given the first time) and frankly I am excited to stomp all over my fears this time.

I am so very grateful for 20/20, for helping me dig in and figure out what is behind my health/eating/exercise choices (good and bad) so I know that when I finish this program I will have a toolkit - resources, experiences, challenges overcome and victories. These are the things I will take with me.

Sunny outside, Raining inside

That was my facebook status today. It is sunny outside, but for some reason it's rainy inside my head.
Outside the sun is shining, sort of like my program. Overall I have had tremendous progress and am really working the program. I've been losing weight, getting fit and learning a ton.

That said, I am really having a hard time inside. My head, to be specific. The scale was up on Friday despite having a good week eating and working out. I struggled with a cold all week and had a healthy but VERY high sodium lunch out the day before weigh in, so I wasn't surprised but somehow I feel stuck. Like a great big failure.

Yep, I've looked at before pictures to motivate myself. And yep, I have a list of why I am so much better off now than I was 6 months ago. But I am still stuck.

One of our 20/20 Lifestyles videos teaches us about being in the Frustrated/Resistant phase. For a lot of people it happens just after they complete the program (when they have to go it alone) but for me, it's right now.

Why now? That's the million dollar question.

And I am not sure there's an answer. Certainly not an easy one.

• I wrapped up Phase 1 (my first 20 weeks) and am now in Phase 2, which is my last 12 weeks. Am I freaking out that I am in "phase 2" and if so, why?
• I still have about 26 pounds to lose- could that be it? That my mind is constantly calculating how much time and how much to lose. 2.6 lbs per week or you fail....
• I missed my birthday goal by almost 2 pounds. It's the first goal I've missed since starting this program. Is that where it started?
• I had a couple weeks of doing well all week then every other weekend was nut extravaganza. My relapses/lapses into overeating (even if it's food I am allowed, my portions are too high) seem more frequent. What is going on.
• I do know I've been more stressed (work, etc) than usual, and I feel like I have no buffer. I keep having this feeling that I can't "get away" from the stress. I just don't have the budget to get a massage or treat myself to something to feel better. I just don't know.

So this isn't one of those posts where I figure it all out, or even pull myself up by the bootstraps. This is just me, struggling and sharing the struggle.

My first 5k

I did it, I did it! I finished my first 5k* and I ran the whole way and there was a HILL I had no idea was going to be there, and I even did it at a pace of 11:27 (my usual pace is 12 minute mile). Oh, and my heart rate was crazy high on that sucky hill- like 180.

But I did it, I did it and I lived.

Just before the 3 mile mark (bottom of hill) I passed a few people on some sort of ill-timed adrenaline rush, which cost me at the end of the race because I darn near died at the end- I could barely run fast/sprint in the last 50 yards. It was like all the oxygen was sucked out of my body.

Here’s what I learned:

1. Sometimes the weather DOES cooperate (it was supposed to pour and yet we had a clear, sometimes sunny, day)

2. It’s super hard to find your pace among a zillion people

3. Walk/runs should start walkers and runners at different times

4. I can go faster if it means getting away from annoying ladies who talk the entire race loudly (“So then SHE got the new boots and we were going to get together but then Katie called and blahblahblah…”

5. I am capable of removing a long sleeve undershirt while running, including pins through both shirts and numbers

6. There are people insane enough to run in a full squirrel costume (and I can run faster than them)

7. I need a dog to borrow for these things, so many fun dogs (my dog is 5 pounds and would detest a crowded run)

8. I think a Zune would help, some music would have been kinda nice sometimes. Then again, it was nice to just hear the foot beats and my kids.

9. I have the best family in the world, my husband and son were jogging along cheering for me the whole way, running backwards and in circles (and ahead and back) but never once trying to make me go faster than comfortable- while my daughter ran right at my side the entire time.

10. Heart rate monitors rule, it was nice to check my heart rate and know "I can do this" (though I could hear Woodstock in my head, telling me the whole way).

I kind of like turning into an athlete again.

Here's my race time and info:

*Over 10 years ago I did a 5k, but I don't even remember it. Since I went to fat and now back to fit, I consider this my "first".

As the Worm Turns

So I weighed in, and lost 1.4 pounds. Which is good. That puts me at a 42.2 pounds total lost/removed (26.8 left to go to get to my goal).
But I needed to finish figuring out how the heck I ended up making out with my kid's school lunch JIF because a week where I am truly on track with eating, drinking water and working out is more likely to see me losing 2-3 pounds. That's one of the benefits of this amazing program- the amount you can lose.

To the rescue came my Dietitian, to add the missing peice to my puzzle. Between Woodstock and Counselor Cassie I had figured out that my weekend was hijacked and I responded by gorging on something I convinced myself was "okay". But that couldn't be all...

So Kathryn (who is, by the way, a total Dynamo - though that isn't a very cute nickname) says to me that "it's like a worm in a maze".

A worm? In a maze?

As she explained, it made more sense (I was initially struggling with why it wasn't a rat, and also who puts a worm into a maze? Is that even fair? Do they have a brain, or just a nerve bundle?)

The worm is our habits, our tendencies. They go the direction that works for them when we have stress (The maze. The maze is stress).

Wormie likes to go the easiest way. In my case, prior to 20/20 I would have gone after a box of red vines and some salt n vinegar chips. But my worm can't go there, because I don't eat those now. So he tries to go another direction- nuts. I am nuts for nuts, there are no two ways about it. And since a limited amount of nuts are allowed on 20/20, my worm is wriggling that way in the maze.

My worm needs somewhere else to go, she said. And, as usual, she wasn't going to give me the answer. Getting healthy is a lot of work.

She wanted me to come up with some alternatives for my worm. What could he do that wouldn't result in guilt, weight gain and possibly a diaper.

I came up with a couple things I do that work well:

1. berries and a magazine. I know berries are food, but they are low cal and feel like a treat. And I don't subscribe to any magazines, so getting them is a treat.
2. The barn- I have a horse, and going to the barn is a slice of heaven for me. No food required.

and I am working on adding more to my list. I think this is so important, finding things to help you deal with stress that don't involve pigging out.

I'll share more as I think of them, but I don't want to list things that I wish would make me feel better. Like, I wish that going running made me feel awesome. It does, but not until afterwards and not enough (yet) for me to hop off the Sofa of Depression to go run.

I am signing off now, leaving you with a terrible graphic that I made of a worm in a maze.

On the Good Ship Sabbotage

Sing the title of this post to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop", only the SS Sabotage is a bad, bad ship.

First of all, I had a stressful week and was tempted by a gift that included an insanely large amount of my favorite chocolate. I did a good job of avoiding the candy, but as the weekend progressed with small stressors (dead car batteries, a mild Homecoming Dance issue for my son, etc) I felt more and more like I was going to crack.

What I should have done: gone out and grocery shopped. The fridge wasn't exactly full, and I was running out of healthy food and I was about to crack.

What I did right: went out running Saturday morning and made it a record 2.7 miles. Yay, me. This was outstanding. Unfortunately, it was soon forgotten as the crazy day rolled on and I was low on food.

What I did wrong: wrapped myself around a jar of JIF peanut butter. Oh, the agony of such a terrible choice. No, seriously, I ended up with such a horrific stomach ache from the fatty stabilizers and junk in there. But I didn't stop.

On Monday I confessed to Woodstock, who sweetly started to chat with me about overeating by a "couple extra teaspoons of peanut butter". At this point I had to confess- there is no way I ate less than 2 full cups of JIF. I bet it was 3. There was no living in denial all day Sunday because I had gastrointestinal issues so bad I had to leave church early and go home.

Woodstock suggested perhaps I was pushing my limits by pigging out on something "I was allowed to have" (though she pointed out that JIF is not allowable, and rationalizing is never helpful). Yep, definitely it was a power struggle. But why? I've dealt with stress before in this program. Hmmmmm...

I was discussing this with Skinnybuns via email, and had to work my butt off all week- totally took the wind out of my sails.

 I told her that I had officially boarded the SS Self Sabotage for a cruise to Stress Island.

My journaling went a bit sideways (ie, I did a bad job of it) and Cassie (Lifestyle Counselor) and I discussed how to avoid getting on the SS SS and ways to not fall apart when the stressors just pile on one after the other. Cassie calls it hijacking- how to deal with times when you cannot control events and you feel like your life is being hijacked. I really liked that phrase.


I really feel like I pinpointed a few things, things I hadn’t even realized the FIRST time I went Nut Crazy (2 weeks prior when I ate all my snack bags of nuts- like 3 weeks worth). Here's what I learned:


When you lose control of everything else, losing control of your eating makes you feel worse not better.

 1)  Always have chicken and baby carrots around because you can pretty much eat your own bodyweight in them and not have a bad weigh in week. When you run out of these, you risk nut madness.

2) Sometimes things get hijacked no matter how hard you try to protect yourself. You just can’t avoid it, you can only avoid turning a hijacking into a plane crash.


3) If you gorge on Jif you will come VERY close to needing to wear an adult diaper to church the next day, and that’s just not fun for anyone. Then you'll spend the week working insanely hard to try to shed the JIF.

Oh, and one last thing- if you eat your own bodyweight in grilled boneless skinless chicken and baby carrots you still have to journal them, because your dietitian is always watching and counting, even if she's always on shore.

Update

Okay, so I don't think I've updated with a weigh in and graph in a while, so here goes.

This week I lost 3.2 lbs (which was awesome because I only lost .6 last week after the nut binge and was feeling discouraged). So here are the current stats....

40.8 lbs lost total
28.2 lbs left to lose

and I appear to be pretty much on track to lose it by the end of my program. Hooray :)

Farewell, Green Sweatshirt

I'm shrinking. I always thought I'd be so happy to get rid of my fat, ugly clothes as I lost weight. And I am. But I am not so pleased about getting rid of some of my favorite items. Can't they just shrink along with me?

This week I said goodbye to a few of my fat favorites. I dedicate this blog entry to them:
1) Lime green Nike sweatsuit: sure, I looked like a pregnant grasshopper in you but your cheery lime color made me smile
2) Green Old Navy Sweatshirt: not too hot, not too cold, I got my wear out of you dear friend. You always did feel better than you looked- any time I saw a photo where I was wearing you I felt like the camera added 50 pounds (then I remember that I added 70 pounds!)
3) Supercute Blazer: you were a go-to piece. You covered me up, kept me warm and made me look cute. Fanny coverage in red, orange and yellow- adorable. Always got compliments. I felt good donating you, because I know someone else will love you as much as I did.
4) Miscellaneous sweatpants: ahhhh, cotton sweats. I spent far too many hours in you. My poor dear husband faced countless dates where I'd appear ready to go wearing you.

5) Fuzzy pinkish vest with fleecy inside- you are delightful inside out or outside in. I am sure some lucky gal is going to snatch you right off the rack.

6) Wrangler Q Baby Jeans- I ride horses, so these are amazing for that (no back gap) but I'd wear these for everyday, too. I am going to miss your comfy waistband and cute pockets

and I could go on. But the thing is, I am kinda glad that I had so say goodbye to these things, because it means saying hello to smaller items and I'm making friends with some new favorites. I just hope whoever gets them shrinks out of them as well someday.

Mrs Dash

When I was younger, I used to HATE Mrs Dash. After all, what kind of seasoning has no SALT in it? I love salt, I confess. It is the most beautiful, tasty, crystal in the world. Diamonds? Meh, give me salt.

But alas, life has a way of sneaking up on us and one day we're young and thin and making fun of Mrs Dash and the next we're blogging about how wonderful she is and the taking pictures of our collection of her flavors for our blog. And sprinkling her liberally on everything we cook and eat.

It just makes good sense, because when I eat salty goodness my blood pressure goes up and I don't have good of weight loss. That's no fun.

Some days when I have salt binged I go in for my workout and my BP is so bad I can almost hear the alarms ringing up in the Lord of the Diet's office. I can see him shaking his head, disappointed in my lapse of judgement. But I can't just eat stuff with pepper on it, enter Mrs Dash.

Yep, I'm a convert.

Now I love Mrs Dash. Not the original flavor (baby steps here, people) but I love the Caribbean citrus, the lemon pepper and the fiesta lime. I have the tomato basil, but don't LOVE it. I want to try the extra spicy but haven't seen it in a store.

To my delight, Mrs Dash can be found at Fred Meyer, Safeway, QFC and most every other store. Now if she'd just come out with a sprinkle that tastes like marshmallow creme.

So go check her out- good ole Mrs Dash, she's not the fuddy duddy she once was...

Shake, Shake, Shake

Shakes have become part of my life. So I am jotting down some of my favorite blends, because who knows, maybe someone out there needs an idea for something tasty.

I should preface this with the fact that I use a Magic Bullet blender. I really labored over which to get- Magic Bullet, or Ninja. I ended up finding someone at work selling a MB for pretty cheap, so cheap won out. I love my Magic Bullet, and if I happened upon a robber in my house late one night I would most certainly grab my 20/20 shake packets and Magic Bullet before I ran out of the house.

Chocolate Cherry
Chocolate Shake Mix with frozen pitted cherries. Add 2tsp of cocoa powder and a splash of vanilla extract.
Option: splash of almond extract

Peach Pie
Vanilla Shake Mix with frozen sliced peaches and dash of cinnamon

Apple Pie
Mix together a vanilla shake packet, water, ice, 1 apple (leave on skin) and pumpkin pie spice or cinnamon. Mix.
You can also add 1 T. peanut butter
You can also use 1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce instead of an apple

Vanilla Latte

I don't drink coffee, so this is my "latte'. Warm/hot water, mixed with one packet vanilla shake mix and 2 tsp of Postum (a great coffee free substitute). Add a splash of vanilla and blend.

Option- add a splash of almond extract.

Option- add a TB of natural peanut butter

 

Pina Banana

Vanilla shake mix and a few chunks of pineapple (avoid canned with all the sugar- this should be fresh or frozen w/no sugar), few chunks of frozen banana and rum extract.

 

Strawberry PB Sandwich

Vanilla shake mix and 1 TB natural peanut butter, 1/2 cup strawberries.

 

PB Chocolate

Chocolate Shake Mix with 1tb natural peanut butter, plus 1tb cocoa powder

 

Some say not to blend the peanut butter into the shakes, but rather spoon it over the top and eat shake with a spoon. Not a bad idea, you get more flavor for your PB calories.

 

I am going to close this by saying that I thought the shake obsession was one of the weirdest, dumbest things I had ever heard before I started 20/20 and yet I now find myself advising people in line at the grocery store to try shakes instead of cereal. You just FEEL better. Some folks use other brands (I hear the Costco protein is great, the stuff in the purple bag) but I still use the 20/20 shake mix. It's premeasured, blends great and tastes super.

 

'Nuff said.

Paying the Piper (in nuts)

I am spending the week "paying the piper" as my mom would say. I decided to play, now I have to pay. Where did I play? In the dang almonds again. Nuts.
NO MORE NUTS ARE ALLOWED IN MY HOUSE.

I can assure you there aren't any there now, because I had a second nut extravaganza this weekend. Dang it! I was so lucky to recover from the last one and still lose, and I did it again?

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So here I am paying the piper with extra steps, hard workouts, and all the things that make a diet/lifestyle change so rough. I have tried throughout my journey to learn along the way, and to do things in a sustainable manner. For example, I don't go nuts doing extra workouts (beyond my 5 per week) because I know I won't sustain that.

This week I learned that if I make unhealthy eating choices, I am also making miserable lifestyle choices. Not only because I will have a food hangover the next day or two, but I also can end up condemning myself to a VERY long week of extra steps, extra workouts, extra hard regular workouts, extra water, extra sleep... and it's extra stressful (and stress can inhibit weight loss so that's bad). All for a can of almonds?

and yes, I ate the WHOLE CAN. and then went on to eat every packet of nut butter I had in the cabinet leftover from vacation. and then I ate all my pre-measured baggies of almonds for snacks (6 almonds per baggie, and there were empty baggies everywhere).

Gross.

But let's not wallow in guilt here, let's figure out how I can NOT do this again. Because I am working waaayyyy too hard this week just trying to not have my scale show a weight gain tomorrow.

• For one, my Dietitian says let's find another healthy fat that isn't nuts. I cannot control myself with nuts (I think I could be the only person alive who actually likes Brazil nuts even).
• For two, I need to plan ahead so I don't get Monster Hungry. Monster hungry leads to monstrous stupid choices, and since I can see that weekends are more challenging I clearly need to plan ahead
• For three, I need to help myself remember the goal- so I have posted a few of my 20/20 fliers around the house to remind me how important this program is to me.

The funny thing is the hardest part about this week hasn't been making smart eating choices, or working hard (Woodstock has been dutifully working my tail off), the hardest part has been being kind to myself through the week. So many times I have begun sentences in my head berating myself for making a "mistake", or telling myself to expect failure, or not to make it any further.

But there's no room for negative self talk in 20/20. It causes stress, it makes you feel crappy, and frankly it's exhausting coming up with new and creative insults for one's self. So I am just going to use this week to stop that negative self talk and try to just dutifully work off the damage I have done while reminding myself to remember this the next time I am tempted to go on a nut gorge.

She has the wrong name

Nothing scared me more about starting 20/20 than knowing I had to work with a trainer. How could I face this person who would know exactly how out of shape I was? How weak and just how sedentary I had gotten. There is just no faking fitness, not with someone you will be with 3 times a week for 20 weeks (then twice a week for another 12 weeks).

I requested a female trainer, someone I could connect with. All of the trainers at ProClub are college educated and really talented, I am sure they all have strengths, but I got the best one of all.

Early on, I began calling her She, because it seemed like that was what a trainer did- She called out stuff and I did it. She had to be obeyed.

But as time has passed, and I have come to admire the way She works. She isn't mean. Not bossy. Not even a little bit.

Dang! The ultimate Blog Foul: a mis-naming of a primary character.

I've been thinking about this post for several weeks now, I was worried the Eagle Guru would think She was a softie or not pushing me hard enough if I admitted that her intimidating nickname just didn't fit. And trust me, she pushes hard enough, she just does it nicely.

Sigh.

So what do I call her? I thought about it, and initially Tinkerbell came to mind. Oh, stop it- I don't mean the modern "Tink" who is airbrushed and appears on tacky tee shirts, looking more like a wee blond vixen than a feisty sidekick. Could she be Tinkerbell? I went to Wickipidia for more information.

"Though sometimes ill-tempered, spoiled, and very jealous and vindictive (getting the Lost Boys to shoot arrows at Wendy),[6] at other times she is helpful and kind to Peter."

The article goes on to explain that because she is so small, Tinkerbell can only feel one emotion at a time. Okay, never mind. Even if She is cute and spunky, this ill-tempered stuff just doesn't fit.

Back to the drawing board.

The other day I got my daughter a Peanuts tee shirt, it had Snoopy on it with about a dozen Woodstocks flying around him. And it dawned on me- Woodstock. It's like how the gym has dozens of trainers, but only one Erin.... Off to Wickipidia I went to make sure Woodstock didn't have any passive aggressive tendencies (like Tink). I found some facts that confirmed that this was the right name.

First of all, it took Charles Schultz 3 years to name Woodstock. We're off to a good start, since She wasn't much of a name.

Second, I bet you didn't know that Woodstock was originally a She in the cartoon, how 'punny' is that?

Third- it's kinda funny how sometimes there are lots of Woodstock type birds that come and go around Snoopy, sort of like the many trainers at ProClub. There are a lot, but only ONE Woodstock.

Above all, he's a support to Snoopy, accompanying him on a number of adventures. He's adorable and spunky and clever and I just think he's the perfect parallel to Erin. Like Charles Schultz and Woodstock maybe I didn't know quite what to do with her at first, or to name her, but ultimately she's a big reason this journey is so special.

Tick tock....

Eeek! There is conversation churning around my team about Phase 2 coming. Can I repeat EEEK!?

Can't I just stay in this program forever? I feel that like old guy in jail who gets in trouble to stay in jail, except there is no "Fail and Stay" option here. Phase 2 starts for me in early November (either the 4th or 11th, I can't remember right now).

So, why? Why on earth would anyone chubby and lazy want to stay in a program that requires so much? It takes time and energy and commitment and cheating is really tough because ultimately you only cheat yourself (lame- why can't I eat some cookies and just have my dietitian gain a pound? Kidding, Kathryn!).

Because I am not chubby and lazy anymore. I am a person on her way to thin and healthy, over halfway there. I am someone who gets out of bed for early workouts, and remembers what it feels like to test my own body. To say "I'll try" instead of "I can't". I like being that someone.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking about how life will be when I am done with the 20/20 program, when I am an Alumni (mid January). So far, this is what I know:

1) I want to keep going to ProClub to work out, twice a week. I love my morning routine and I think I can keep it up better if I go to the place I know. Plus the Pro Club is so gorgeous. Seriously, I was super intimidated and scared when I first went but the truth is the shower area with the fancy fountain thingie has become my sanctuary. I spend 5-10 minutes there after every workout, just cooling off and reading a magazine.

2) I will continue to use the BeWell site for tracking food and activity. Now that I am a consistent tracker, I really like the accountability.

3) My insurance covers 4 dietitian visits a year, so I can continue to see Kathryn on a quarterly basis.

4) The resource office for 20/20 (which is conveniently located right by the fitness center) has a scale where you can weigh in. I think I'll weigh in weekly. (Oh and when you weigh in as an Alumni I think they have some sort of drawing where you can win prizes. I am so motivated by prizes!)

5) Events- I am going to try to find an event every month to do- some will be 5k or runs, others might be a horse show or something else that is important to me- but every month should contain an event to remind me how important my health and fitness (looking and feeling good) are.

6) Training. I haven't figured this one out yet. I can't imagine life without "She" (Erin, my trainer). I can't afford a trainer every week but I am already working on figuring out if I could even monthly sessions.

That's all I have figured out for now. I had a weigh in today, lost 2 pounds this week (down 37 total now) and I just can't stop thinking about how lucky I am to be doing 20/20, and how I want to feel this healthy forever. And I'm still 32 pounds from my goal!!!!

I am truly enjoying every moment of this journey.

Flat Tire

"When you get a flat tire, you don't get out and slash the other three tires, do you? NOOOO! You change the tire, then go on your way!" - Jillian Michaels

It was odd that I found that quote in a magazine last night, because after Friday's awesome weigh in, I had a bit of a glitch this weekend. And I was laying in bed pondering my bad choices this weekend.

I had to work Saturday night and the folks hosting the work party ordered pizza. And Caesar salad. And candy. Candy, candy everywhere. And I was running late (I got there on time, but without the spare time I normally have to prepare for this sort of outing) so I had a limited amount of "Clean Food". And I ran out, about an hour in.

Had I planned, there would have been a big old bag of baby carrots with me, and I'd have at least exhausted my jaw and distracted me. But I didn't, and as the hours crept on I found myself at the vending machine. I bought a 20/20 bar (so glad they had those) and two of those tube packages of almonds. And two small things of jerky.

Now sure, I didn't eat pizza or the Caesar salad but COME ON. I ate way too many calories and ever so much sodium. We worked until 2:30 in the morning. Needless to say when I got up at 8 am for church on Sunday I had the most disgusting salt and food hangover ever. The scale at home was up several pounds and I felt horrible. All day long. After church I napped, then went to bed early. It was like having the flu- it was like... it was like I felt a lot of the time before I started this program. And I hated it.

Sunday I was so lethargic I didn't get enough water, and needless to say I was exhausted today. But you know what? I stayed within my calories, and did my workout and drank like a fish.

I'm not happy I had a lapse this weekend, but I am happy that instead of slashing my tires all week long I repaired the flat and I am back on the road. I'll probably pay for it at this week's weigh in, but it has been a good lesson. I don't plan to make the mistake of showing up without 'my food' ever again.

Be Well

A few weeks ago we got new software for 20/20. A new program called Be Well, to use for tracking our calories, exercise, etc. It is pretty good- overall I like it now that I am on my 3rd week using it (I was previously journaling on a written journal, now I am doing it on the computer).

It will be coming to Windows Phone soon (taps fingers on desk impatiently) and I can hardly wait- tracking on the go with my phone is going to be priceless.

But I wanted to share something cool

that Be Well does. Remember how I once said that I wanted to be able to see more than just weight, I wanted to track everything- like an overall view of how I am doing- calories, weight, steps, etc. And almost as if he could hear me thinking, the Lord of the Diet made it happen.

I love it- now I can see little green target-y circles that tell me I am on track, warning yellow triangles (watch out!) and red arrows (hey, don't eat so much! Or you didn't sleep enough!)

The only thing I don't like is that my weekly weigh ins with my dietitian don't show up, then when I enter my own weight I get a weird red "warning" when I think I deserve a big old green target (for losing).

So here I am sharing screen shots from the two full weeks I've used it. It's not perfect but I love the way it shows a balance, how all the different parts of this program matter- sleep, steps, cardio, eating, and water. Another tool in my toolbox.

Ladders and jumpropes and discs, oh MY!

Have I said yet this week how brilliant She is? This morning I arrived for my workout, and rather than heading to a machine, She headed to a closet and got out some items:

1. a fire ladder
2. a jumprope
3. a weightlifting disc

and some towels.

I obediently followed her to the gym. The one where behind a large fabric sort of wall there were people playing basketball. It looked like a high school gym and I daresay the most I've done in a gymnasium in several years is attend very scary Orchestra concerts when my son was sure he needed to play violin.

The fire ladder wasn't really for fires. It was made to run through and there were SOOO many ways to do it. Hopping, dancing steps, all sorts of ways to navigate those little boxes and then I'd jog back to the start. Then I had to jump rope in 30 second intervals. Then back to the ladder. Then over to a bench to step up. Then lunges. Now lift up the weight over your head and back down one million times. Now back to the ladder. It was a very different but fun way to get my cardio in.

I learned two things:

1. Stuff that looks like it came out of some one's Goodwill donation box can make you sweat if the right person is directing you
2. Exercise can be kind of fun

Halfway There!

Today I hit the halfway mark! 35 pounds gone!

It was a really good week, because I lost 5 pounds and also got back on track for my overall loss. The grey line in my graph shows how much/how fast I need to lose to get to my goal weight during my time in the program.

Between vacation and a few tough weeks, I was behind on the goal (you can see that early on I was actually ahead of the game, my weight was under the required grey line amount).

But today I can say I am back on track, and feeling good.

What helped? Here's a list

• Journaling- can I say how often I thought I had so many calories left in a day until I checked out my online journal (we get access to an online tool called 20/20 Be Well) and realized I was done, or close to done. I surely saved a pounds worth of calories by accurately journaling.
• As you may recall, I went back a bit in my eating plan. I was having trouble controlling my fruit. I was eating about twice the amount of fruit I needed per day. Now fruit alone isn't terrible, but it seemed to trigger hunger. Maybe it was the natural sugar in fruit? Anyhow, controlling my portions on fruit has helped
• Water. As always, when I drink more water, I lose more weight. Skinnybuns always tells me how this is one of the easiest things to do, and she's right.
• Fish- who'd have thought? I ventured into the world of fish after my friend (who I shall call Cowgirl Slim, as she has lost over 20 lbs this past few months and looks fabulous. She's full of great tips) talked me into trying fish. I made it terrible the first few times- I tried grilling and ruined it. I tried cooking stove top and it was a disaster. But I am no quitter, and finally got the hang of it. Have I mentioned I am cooking impaired, unless it involves frying or desserts? Anyhow, the fish lifesaver is Costco Tilapia and lemon pepper, which I apply liberally.
• Workouts- I am lucky to still be in a phase which allows me 3 visits with my trainer per week, because I know that working out is so important. I made sure my two independent workouts (Tues and Thurs) were good ones, I went 45 min- an hour and really kept a good pace.

It's funny, the steps you need to take never really change- as I read this entry over I realize "this is the same stuff I've been doing since the start of June" but let's face it- I didn't get here because I had good habits. So maybe sometimes we have to get a bit off course to have the chance to grow.

Weighing on my mind...

It was weigh in day, and it was frustrating.

My home scale usually is exactly the same as the Master Scale (that's what I call the weigh in scale in the 20/20 office). But today, my home scale said I was down about 2 pounds but the MS said I was down just one pound.

So after my workout I weighed myself in the locker room (I had been sweating, but also drinking water, weighed self with no clothes). 2 different locker room scales said 2 lbs down. grrrrrr

So I ran back upstairs and weighed myself again on the MS and it said I was down 2. For the sake of my chart, I am going with the one pound down.

So, should the scale weigh so heavy on my mind? (pun intended). Yes and No.

The other day someone at Pro Club said to me that the scale has no feelings, it's just metal. But you know, it's a pretty good gauge of where you are. I realize that my concerns over one little pound are not worth fretting over, but ultimately the scale is what I watch. If it goes down, so does my size. If the scale is getting lower, I am nearing my goal. Simple as that. I think the Lord of the Diet would agree.

That said, my challenges this past couple weeks have me a wee bit behind my trajectory (see graph), but I am not worried because I am back on track after this major breakthrough week. I kinda can't wait to weigh in next week. (wow, did I just say that?)

So yes because ultimately if you're losing pounds you're getting closer to your goal. And no because I feel better, look better and most important I am losing pounds of bad habits all the time. And that feels a LOT lighter :)

Goal!

Today I met with my counselor. Not the one from 20/20 (though I adore her and cannot wait to tell her tomorrow), this was my regular counselor. One I've seen regularly for years to deal with my depression and anxiety.

I haven't seen her in over a month (which is when things started getting off track for me) and she commented on how great I look. I replied with a blunt, "I'm stuck. Just... stuck. Not gaining, but kinda not losing. Stuck."

She asked why?

I explained that I am halfway there- or close. Almost halfway through my time in 20/20 but I feel like I won't make it (lose all the weight). Like this is it, I lost 28 and I'll never lose the other 41. And it's depressing.

Her first response was an immediate "you will. You WILL lose the weight, because you're in a program designed to help you succeed. Everyone loses weight in that program. But whatever is going on in your head, we need to address- because losing it is one thing but learning why you're struggling or why you think you will fail- that's another." That made sense- after all you see lots of before and after pictures of people of all sizes, they all lost the weight. And I want to be among them, but even moreso I want to be among the gals I see in the locker room who are STILL thin, who still keep up these great habits. Who seized 20/20 as the opportunity to change their lives for good. Forever.

She asked why I chose to do 20/20. What I wanted to change. I quickly listed:

• out of shape
• sick all the time
• hate how I look
• pain in joints

she asked me one by one how I was doing on those. I proudly commented that I feel great. My joints don't hurt, and I am in better shape than I have been in many years. Joint pain- gone. I even feel pretty good about how I look.

"So, are you done?" she asked. I immediately said "No" but I realized, I have been sort of acting like I am. I talk about wanting to lose the rest, but my behaviors this past month haven't supported that. Sure, I haven't gained any weight, but I should be losing more and really shouldn't have weeks with no loss at all (like last week).

It was then I realized that my goals, my reason for being here had been met, in a way. I don't want to sound smug, I just think it's so important to be really honest here. This summer I had a couple of events I really wanted to lose weight before, but right now there's nothing big coming up. I am feeling good, SO improved over before... I think I forgot that I will feel even better when I get further along.

Goals! I needed new goals!

So we wrote a few down. It was scary, because after you get out of the big goals (want to be out of plus-size clothes, want to feel better, want more energy) you have to face the things you're afraid to admit you want. So here's my list:

• Run a 5k and run the entire way (these may be two goals, let's see how the first one goes)
• Run in a Masters (adults/old people like me) Track Meet - sprints. This one is a long time dream of mine, because I ran track growing up, along with my whole family.
• To reach my goal weight of 140.

It was so scary to say those things out loud. Admitting I want to feel better is one thing, and to not want pain... but to begin to admit the real dreams- ones that are more about me, and things I want to do, that was hard.

So she asked if I was signed up for a 5k, for starters. I explained that I have been looking for one, but haven't found one yet. (Like they're so rare). She said I need to sign up, and I told her I need to make sure I can run the whole way. She reminded me that even if I had to walk part of it that I could still finish. And that lots of people would be walking, and that if I didn't run the whole thing, that could be a new mini goal.

So here I sit, seeking out "my race". A 5k, on a Saturday, in October. It's the start of a new set of goals...

Second Verse, Same as the First.

My sister and I used to sing this song as kids, something about King Henry. Every time we'd sing it, we'd holler "SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST" and start all over again. Whenever I find things repeating themselves in life I think of that phrase.

Today that song is stuck in my head because I am ready for the second verse.

You may have read in my last post that I have a shiny new set of goals. They are new and scary and I daresay a bit fancy, and I love them. I am scared of them, having them feels like sitting behind the wheel of a veryfast car. Exhilarating, and terrifying. What if I crash? She, my trainer, is sure that I can do anything I want physically, and she shows me over and over how capable my body is becoming. She reminds me always how we can push ourselves (without injury) and it makes me excited about these new physical goals.

I know what I want now, but how do I get myself to follow all my good habits again? I know She will keep me working out hard, but who is going to help me get the eating back on track?

Enter my shinynew dietitian. Today was my second meeting with her (normally we meet on Friday, but this week she'll be in training so we had to meet 2 days early). I planned to put off weighing myself until Friday morning before workout, but she wanted me to hop on the scale real quick anyhow.

I almost had a heart attack. WHAT? Now? But I drank water! And a shake! I always weigh in the same- first thing, no food or drink. It's how I do it.

Onto the scale I went, and I was down just .2 lbs. That's 2/10ths, not 2 lbs. Sigh. She told me to go ahead and weigh in on Friday also, but she wanted to check the scale herself. Hmmmm, accountability is not so fun.

So we talked about this week, and my breakthroughs and the things I have learned (like using the new 20/20 Be Well tool for tracking) and so on. I did some stuff well this week- I journaled, I tried new proteins. I did some stuff poorly- I barely grocery shopped, I kept losing my pedometer.

She suggested we go back a bit. Sort of get a clean start, take a run at 'starting over' halfway through. She said some of her clients find it helpful. YES! I agreed immediately. It makes absolute sense- clean up, start back a ways.

So here I am, end of the day on my first day of my Second Verse and I feel great. I wanted to eat after dinner, but then I realized I wasn't hungry, and I applied a technique I learned from my dietitian today- I asked myself if eating that extra snack was going to get me any closer to the new goals. And the answer was a resounding "Nope."

I think I am going to like the second verse even better than the first....

Snack, snack, snack, going off track.

So as I told you, I've been struggling a bit with losing. Last week was a no loss, but then I got to meet my new dietitian, and thought that would recharge me. I have been journaling my food, which is great, but I am struggling.

First, I feel hungry at night. I am not hungry of course, in fact if I were to make that a true statement I would say "I love to eat at night".

I thought about it- am I hungry at night? Not really. I just want to eat. And eat. And eat some more. But why, and where did this nasty habit come from.... Then I realized, when I make dinner I am eating it in phases. For example, I grilled fish and veggies the other day. The veggies went on first, so they were done first. I began to eat them while waiting for the fish.

There are at least 3 issues with this.

1. It supports snack-a-thons. Snack followed by snack followed by....you guessed it.
2. It makes it easy to forget to journal every item (who runs to a computer every 5 minutes)
3. I don't recognize the food as a meal, so I feel like I've had no dinner.

these all result in the perfect storm for overeating.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not bellying up to a pint of Ben n Jerry's, nor am I driving through Dairy Queen (I used to do that in my nightgown- how embarrassing!). I am talking about the small things that inhibit weight loss or, eventually, I think will cause regain. Like extra cheese sticks, extra Greek yogurt.

I don't tend to "binge" on one item, I just tend to add on a smorgasbord of individual low cal foods that add up, resulting in no weight loss and a very frustrated me. It needs to stop.

Taking the Bull by the Horns

Enough is enough. I lost NO weight this week. Are you kidding me? If I am not going to lose, doesn't it seem like I should be wrapped around a pint of ice cream like a python with a toddler?

I weighed in today, my weigh ins are now on Friday. I did the weigh in with my trainer, before working out because I wanted to drink water during my workout and let's face it (trying to be candid here) I am not going to fill myself with 16 ounces of water, then hope to be down a pound.

So before workout, I weighed in. Home scale said I was down about 1.5 but guess what? Home scale doesn't matter. 20/20 scale matters, and it said nothing. Goose egg. All I got was a participation ribbon for this week's efforts, no prize.

I was sad. And mad. At myself, at food, at myself again. I started some internal dialogue that sounded like a verbal abuse "how to" script as I marched on the stair stepper, with She (trainer) right there.

"Good grief", I thought. "I am on a stair climber at 6:30 am and not losing weight. Poor me. No, DUMB me. I didn't journal. Great, now I am going to fail. You have to be kidding- what will I tell people"

when suddenly an image flashed before my eyes. Nope, it wasn't my life. Nor was it the 28.6 lbs I have lost so far. It was....

LUNCHMEAT!

I love lunchmeat. Or I *did* love it, I haven't had much of it at all lately. My dietitian and I decided a month or 6 weeks ago that maybe it had too much sodium, and I needed to try to cook my own meat. Here's the problem- I don't.

So I have spent about 5 or 6 weeks eating chicken. Lots and lots of chicken. And I miss having prepared meat- like turkey pastrami, or oven roasted lunchmeat slices.

I continued to step, and began talking outloud. She is a brilliant listener and troubleshooter. I described how since I stopped eating lunchmeat, I have sort of lost my will when it comes to eating.

Now most problems in life (call them challenges, if you will) are composed of multiple facets. I haven't been eating things that aren't part of the 20/20 plan, nor have I stopped doing my shakes and other advised eating practices, but I have begun some bad habits, and here they are:

• erratic tracking (this one I tie to my dietitian flip flopping and vacation)
• extra fruit servings (I like fruit)
• not enough meat/protein (this ties to the lunchmeat, because I get tired of chicken so I eat some small serving of it and then move on to more fruit).

Now those bad habits are exactly what grow into a garden of chub- slowly but surely, slippery slope and all that.

As we chatted (and I plodded) we determined that maybe without lunchmeat/prepared meat/protein I was getting bored. So She suggested I talk to my new dietitan this morning about it.

And I did, and we resolved it. Now the answer to diet boredom is not a package of bologna, but it *is* taking the time to determine if something you are doing is working or not. And to seek the cause of a 'bad' week. And I may have done that.

My new dietitian is Kathryn, and she is delightful- I shall surely have a nickname for her soon. We dove right in, she assessed what I was doing, gave me tips and ideas and some clear goals. And we agreed that allowing myself one serving of prepared protein (ie lunchmeat or trader joes turkey meatballs) was okay each day.

I left and immediately updated my facebook status to "ready to take the bull by the horns" because I am. Especially since he's made of roast beef.

A little stuck...

I feel a little stuck. Granted, the scale went down last week (for a total loss of 28.6 lbs) but it's not moving as fast as it could. Last week was 1.2 pounds lost, this week my home scale indicates very little movement...

So I've begun to try to determine what is going on- where do I need to strengthen my skills and/or adjust my program. The first thing I thought of was my dietitian.

This all started before vacation when I found out my dietitian was taking a month of, a sort of a leave of absence. I liked her, and knew she was knowledgable from our first meeting, but at the same time I sensed something else was happening. I have no idea why, but our first meeting I wondered if she was going to be with the program for my entire time.

Sometimes I wondered if we weren't connecting, but then she was so kind- it didn't seem like that.

While she was out, I had two different substitutes. Then I was on vacation (not convenient but preplanned)

They were both wonderful, both people who fill in for folks on leave. But remember, I was gone for 2 weeks so I had

-former dietitian

-2 weeks of no dietitian (me on vacation)

-sub dietitian twice

-other sub once

- last week,back to former dietitian for one week before new dietitian this week.

are you confused yet?

Now my schedule is limited, so the coordinator was stuck with having to find me someone for my usual Thursday mornings which affected consistency. So this post isn't about a program issue for staff, it's more to help me figure out what is not working for me.

And this morning, I figured it out.

You see, She (my trainer) had me trotting along on the treadmill (still feels weird to say I "run" on it, even if it is for 5 minutes) and I was thinking about the other day while I was exercising and how I was jogging down my street and could almost see Erin right there (at the 10 o'clock position, where she stands on a stool when I am on the treadmill). When I got scared or tired, I could practically see her/hear her there reminding me that I am stronger than I know, that my body can do this, and so on.

And it dawned on me- the lack of connect with my dietitian (and consistency with the subs) has me feeling like I am on a food island. I eat within the program guidelines, I am still losing, but not as much as I could because I need that connection. I realized that I am inspired by the knowledgeable staff I get to work with, and I aim to please them. But without seeing them regularly at this important time (during Phase 1) and connecting, I am missing out.

So when I am home and don't journal my food it doesn't feel as bad as if I missed a workout. I'd never want to come in and tell Erin I didn't do all my home workouts. But I've gotten sloppy on journaling and working down some of my portions because I don't feel that accountability.

Don't think I've been holed up with Ben and Jerry's for weeks- I haven't lost my good eating habits, I just don't have the enthusiasm for the eating portion the way I do the working out, and realize that if I can connect better with my dietitian I think I can solve that.

But this, too, shall pass because on Friday I start with a new dietitian. Okay, not new- new to me. I am moving my weigh ins to Friday morning after workouts, and this Friday will be my first time with her.