She has the wrong name

Nothing scared me more about starting 20/20 than knowing I had to work with a trainer. How could I face this person who would know exactly how out of shape I was? How weak and just how sedentary I had gotten. There is just no faking fitness, not with someone you will be with 3 times a week for 20 weeks (then twice a week for another 12 weeks).

I requested a female trainer, someone I could connect with. All of the trainers at ProClub are college educated and really talented, I am sure they all have strengths, but I got the best one of all.

Early on, I began calling her She, because it seemed like that was what a trainer did- She called out stuff and I did it. She had to be obeyed.

But as time has passed, and I have come to admire the way She works. She isn't mean. Not bossy. Not even a little bit.

Dang! The ultimate Blog Foul: a mis-naming of a primary character.

I've been thinking about this post for several weeks now, I was worried the Eagle Guru would think She was a softie or not pushing me hard enough if I admitted that her intimidating nickname just didn't fit. And trust me, she pushes hard enough, she just does it nicely.

Sigh.

So what do I call her? I thought about it, and initially Tinkerbell came to mind. Oh, stop it- I don't mean the modern "Tink" who is airbrushed and appears on tacky tee shirts, looking more like a wee blond vixen than a feisty sidekick. Could she be Tinkerbell? I went to Wickipidia for more information.

"Though sometimes ill-tempered, spoiled, and very jealous and vindictive (getting the Lost Boys to shoot arrows at Wendy),[6] at other times she is helpful and kind to Peter."

The article goes on to explain that because she is so small, Tinkerbell can only feel one emotion at a time. Okay, never mind. Even if She is cute and spunky, this ill-tempered stuff just doesn't fit.

Back to the drawing board.

The other day I got my daughter a Peanuts tee shirt, it had Snoopy on it with about a dozen Woodstocks flying around him. And it dawned on me- Woodstock. It's like how the gym has dozens of trainers, but only one Erin.... Off to Wickipidia I went to make sure Woodstock didn't have any passive aggressive tendencies (like Tink). I found some facts that confirmed that this was the right name.

First of all, it took Charles Schultz 3 years to name Woodstock. We're off to a good start, since She wasn't much of a name.

Second, I bet you didn't know that Woodstock was originally a She in the cartoon, how 'punny' is that?

Third- it's kinda funny how sometimes there are lots of Woodstock type birds that come and go around Snoopy, sort of like the many trainers at ProClub. There are a lot, but only ONE Woodstock.

Above all, he's a support to Snoopy, accompanying him on a number of adventures. He's adorable and spunky and clever and I just think he's the perfect parallel to Erin. Like Charles Schultz and Woodstock maybe I didn't know quite what to do with her at first, or to name her, but ultimately she's a big reason this journey is so special.

Tick tock....

Eeek! There is conversation churning around my team about Phase 2 coming. Can I repeat EEEK!?

Can't I just stay in this program forever? I feel that like old guy in jail who gets in trouble to stay in jail, except there is no "Fail and Stay" option here. Phase 2 starts for me in early November (either the 4th or 11th, I can't remember right now).

So, why? Why on earth would anyone chubby and lazy want to stay in a program that requires so much? It takes time and energy and commitment and cheating is really tough because ultimately you only cheat yourself (lame- why can't I eat some cookies and just have my dietitian gain a pound? Kidding, Kathryn!).

Because I am not chubby and lazy anymore. I am a person on her way to thin and healthy, over halfway there. I am someone who gets out of bed for early workouts, and remembers what it feels like to test my own body. To say "I'll try" instead of "I can't". I like being that someone.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking about how life will be when I am done with the 20/20 program, when I am an Alumni (mid January). So far, this is what I know:

1) I want to keep going to ProClub to work out, twice a week. I love my morning routine and I think I can keep it up better if I go to the place I know. Plus the Pro Club is so gorgeous. Seriously, I was super intimidated and scared when I first went but the truth is the shower area with the fancy fountain thingie has become my sanctuary. I spend 5-10 minutes there after every workout, just cooling off and reading a magazine.

2) I will continue to use the BeWell site for tracking food and activity. Now that I am a consistent tracker, I really like the accountability.

3) My insurance covers 4 dietitian visits a year, so I can continue to see Kathryn on a quarterly basis.

4) The resource office for 20/20 (which is conveniently located right by the fitness center) has a scale where you can weigh in. I think I'll weigh in weekly. (Oh and when you weigh in as an Alumni I think they have some sort of drawing where you can win prizes. I am so motivated by prizes!)

5) Events- I am going to try to find an event every month to do- some will be 5k or runs, others might be a horse show or something else that is important to me- but every month should contain an event to remind me how important my health and fitness (looking and feeling good) are.

6) Training. I haven't figured this one out yet. I can't imagine life without "She" (Erin, my trainer). I can't afford a trainer every week but I am already working on figuring out if I could even monthly sessions.

That's all I have figured out for now. I had a weigh in today, lost 2 pounds this week (down 37 total now) and I just can't stop thinking about how lucky I am to be doing 20/20, and how I want to feel this healthy forever. And I'm still 32 pounds from my goal!!!!

I am truly enjoying every moment of this journey.

Flat Tire

"When you get a flat tire, you don't get out and slash the other three tires, do you? NOOOO! You change the tire, then go on your way!" - Jillian Michaels

It was odd that I found that quote in a magazine last night, because after Friday's awesome weigh in, I had a bit of a glitch this weekend. And I was laying in bed pondering my bad choices this weekend.

I had to work Saturday night and the folks hosting the work party ordered pizza. And Caesar salad. And candy. Candy, candy everywhere. And I was running late (I got there on time, but without the spare time I normally have to prepare for this sort of outing) so I had a limited amount of "Clean Food". And I ran out, about an hour in.

Had I planned, there would have been a big old bag of baby carrots with me, and I'd have at least exhausted my jaw and distracted me. But I didn't, and as the hours crept on I found myself at the vending machine. I bought a 20/20 bar (so glad they had those) and two of those tube packages of almonds. And two small things of jerky.

Now sure, I didn't eat pizza or the Caesar salad but COME ON. I ate way too many calories and ever so much sodium. We worked until 2:30 in the morning. Needless to say when I got up at 8 am for church on Sunday I had the most disgusting salt and food hangover ever. The scale at home was up several pounds and I felt horrible. All day long. After church I napped, then went to bed early. It was like having the flu- it was like... it was like I felt a lot of the time before I started this program. And I hated it.

Sunday I was so lethargic I didn't get enough water, and needless to say I was exhausted today. But you know what? I stayed within my calories, and did my workout and drank like a fish.

I'm not happy I had a lapse this weekend, but I am happy that instead of slashing my tires all week long I repaired the flat and I am back on the road. I'll probably pay for it at this week's weigh in, but it has been a good lesson. I don't plan to make the mistake of showing up without 'my food' ever again.

Be Well

A few weeks ago we got new software for 20/20. A new program called Be Well, to use for tracking our calories, exercise, etc. It is pretty good- overall I like it now that I am on my 3rd week using it (I was previously journaling on a written journal, now I am doing it on the computer).

It will be coming to Windows Phone soon (taps fingers on desk impatiently) and I can hardly wait- tracking on the go with my phone is going to be priceless.

But I wanted to share something cool

that Be Well does. Remember how I once said that I wanted to be able to see more than just weight, I wanted to track everything- like an overall view of how I am doing- calories, weight, steps, etc. And almost as if he could hear me thinking, the Lord of the Diet made it happen.

I love it- now I can see little green target-y circles that tell me I am on track, warning yellow triangles (watch out!) and red arrows (hey, don't eat so much! Or you didn't sleep enough!)

The only thing I don't like is that my weekly weigh ins with my dietitian don't show up, then when I enter my own weight I get a weird red "warning" when I think I deserve a big old green target (for losing).

So here I am sharing screen shots from the two full weeks I've used it. It's not perfect but I love the way it shows a balance, how all the different parts of this program matter- sleep, steps, cardio, eating, and water. Another tool in my toolbox.

Ladders and jumpropes and discs, oh MY!

Have I said yet this week how brilliant She is? This morning I arrived for my workout, and rather than heading to a machine, She headed to a closet and got out some items:

1. a fire ladder
2. a jumprope
3. a weightlifting disc

and some towels.

I obediently followed her to the gym. The one where behind a large fabric sort of wall there were people playing basketball. It looked like a high school gym and I daresay the most I've done in a gymnasium in several years is attend very scary Orchestra concerts when my son was sure he needed to play violin.

The fire ladder wasn't really for fires. It was made to run through and there were SOOO many ways to do it. Hopping, dancing steps, all sorts of ways to navigate those little boxes and then I'd jog back to the start. Then I had to jump rope in 30 second intervals. Then back to the ladder. Then over to a bench to step up. Then lunges. Now lift up the weight over your head and back down one million times. Now back to the ladder. It was a very different but fun way to get my cardio in.

I learned two things:

1. Stuff that looks like it came out of some one's Goodwill donation box can make you sweat if the right person is directing you
2. Exercise can be kind of fun

Halfway There!

Today I hit the halfway mark! 35 pounds gone!

It was a really good week, because I lost 5 pounds and also got back on track for my overall loss. The grey line in my graph shows how much/how fast I need to lose to get to my goal weight during my time in the program.

Between vacation and a few tough weeks, I was behind on the goal (you can see that early on I was actually ahead of the game, my weight was under the required grey line amount).

But today I can say I am back on track, and feeling good.

What helped? Here's a list

• Journaling- can I say how often I thought I had so many calories left in a day until I checked out my online journal (we get access to an online tool called 20/20 Be Well) and realized I was done, or close to done. I surely saved a pounds worth of calories by accurately journaling.
• As you may recall, I went back a bit in my eating plan. I was having trouble controlling my fruit. I was eating about twice the amount of fruit I needed per day. Now fruit alone isn't terrible, but it seemed to trigger hunger. Maybe it was the natural sugar in fruit? Anyhow, controlling my portions on fruit has helped
• Water. As always, when I drink more water, I lose more weight. Skinnybuns always tells me how this is one of the easiest things to do, and she's right.
• Fish- who'd have thought? I ventured into the world of fish after my friend (who I shall call Cowgirl Slim, as she has lost over 20 lbs this past few months and looks fabulous. She's full of great tips) talked me into trying fish. I made it terrible the first few times- I tried grilling and ruined it. I tried cooking stove top and it was a disaster. But I am no quitter, and finally got the hang of it. Have I mentioned I am cooking impaired, unless it involves frying or desserts? Anyhow, the fish lifesaver is Costco Tilapia and lemon pepper, which I apply liberally.
• Workouts- I am lucky to still be in a phase which allows me 3 visits with my trainer per week, because I know that working out is so important. I made sure my two independent workouts (Tues and Thurs) were good ones, I went 45 min- an hour and really kept a good pace.

It's funny, the steps you need to take never really change- as I read this entry over I realize "this is the same stuff I've been doing since the start of June" but let's face it- I didn't get here because I had good habits. So maybe sometimes we have to get a bit off course to have the chance to grow.

Weighing on my mind...

It was weigh in day, and it was frustrating.

My home scale usually is exactly the same as the Master Scale (that's what I call the weigh in scale in the 20/20 office). But today, my home scale said I was down about 2 pounds but the MS said I was down just one pound.

So after my workout I weighed myself in the locker room (I had been sweating, but also drinking water, weighed self with no clothes). 2 different locker room scales said 2 lbs down. grrrrrr

So I ran back upstairs and weighed myself again on the MS and it said I was down 2. For the sake of my chart, I am going with the one pound down.

So, should the scale weigh so heavy on my mind? (pun intended). Yes and No.

The other day someone at Pro Club said to me that the scale has no feelings, it's just metal. But you know, it's a pretty good gauge of where you are. I realize that my concerns over one little pound are not worth fretting over, but ultimately the scale is what I watch. If it goes down, so does my size. If the scale is getting lower, I am nearing my goal. Simple as that. I think the Lord of the Diet would agree.

That said, my challenges this past couple weeks have me a wee bit behind my trajectory (see graph), but I am not worried because I am back on track after this major breakthrough week. I kinda can't wait to weigh in next week. (wow, did I just say that?)

So yes because ultimately if you're losing pounds you're getting closer to your goal. And no because I feel better, look better and most important I am losing pounds of bad habits all the time. And that feels a LOT lighter :)

Goal!

Today I met with my counselor. Not the one from 20/20 (though I adore her and cannot wait to tell her tomorrow), this was my regular counselor. One I've seen regularly for years to deal with my depression and anxiety.

I haven't seen her in over a month (which is when things started getting off track for me) and she commented on how great I look. I replied with a blunt, "I'm stuck. Just... stuck. Not gaining, but kinda not losing. Stuck."

She asked why?

I explained that I am halfway there- or close. Almost halfway through my time in 20/20 but I feel like I won't make it (lose all the weight). Like this is it, I lost 28 and I'll never lose the other 41. And it's depressing.

Her first response was an immediate "you will. You WILL lose the weight, because you're in a program designed to help you succeed. Everyone loses weight in that program. But whatever is going on in your head, we need to address- because losing it is one thing but learning why you're struggling or why you think you will fail- that's another." That made sense- after all you see lots of before and after pictures of people of all sizes, they all lost the weight. And I want to be among them, but even moreso I want to be among the gals I see in the locker room who are STILL thin, who still keep up these great habits. Who seized 20/20 as the opportunity to change their lives for good. Forever.

She asked why I chose to do 20/20. What I wanted to change. I quickly listed:

• out of shape
• sick all the time
• hate how I look
• pain in joints

she asked me one by one how I was doing on those. I proudly commented that I feel great. My joints don't hurt, and I am in better shape than I have been in many years. Joint pain- gone. I even feel pretty good about how I look.

"So, are you done?" she asked. I immediately said "No" but I realized, I have been sort of acting like I am. I talk about wanting to lose the rest, but my behaviors this past month haven't supported that. Sure, I haven't gained any weight, but I should be losing more and really shouldn't have weeks with no loss at all (like last week).

It was then I realized that my goals, my reason for being here had been met, in a way. I don't want to sound smug, I just think it's so important to be really honest here. This summer I had a couple of events I really wanted to lose weight before, but right now there's nothing big coming up. I am feeling good, SO improved over before... I think I forgot that I will feel even better when I get further along.

Goals! I needed new goals!

So we wrote a few down. It was scary, because after you get out of the big goals (want to be out of plus-size clothes, want to feel better, want more energy) you have to face the things you're afraid to admit you want. So here's my list:

• Run a 5k and run the entire way (these may be two goals, let's see how the first one goes)
• Run in a Masters (adults/old people like me) Track Meet - sprints. This one is a long time dream of mine, because I ran track growing up, along with my whole family.
• To reach my goal weight of 140.

It was so scary to say those things out loud. Admitting I want to feel better is one thing, and to not want pain... but to begin to admit the real dreams- ones that are more about me, and things I want to do, that was hard.

So she asked if I was signed up for a 5k, for starters. I explained that I have been looking for one, but haven't found one yet. (Like they're so rare). She said I need to sign up, and I told her I need to make sure I can run the whole way. She reminded me that even if I had to walk part of it that I could still finish. And that lots of people would be walking, and that if I didn't run the whole thing, that could be a new mini goal.

So here I sit, seeking out "my race". A 5k, on a Saturday, in October. It's the start of a new set of goals...

Second Verse, Same as the First.

My sister and I used to sing this song as kids, something about King Henry. Every time we'd sing it, we'd holler "SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST" and start all over again. Whenever I find things repeating themselves in life I think of that phrase.

Today that song is stuck in my head because I am ready for the second verse.

You may have read in my last post that I have a shiny new set of goals. They are new and scary and I daresay a bit fancy, and I love them. I am scared of them, having them feels like sitting behind the wheel of a veryfast car. Exhilarating, and terrifying. What if I crash? She, my trainer, is sure that I can do anything I want physically, and she shows me over and over how capable my body is becoming. She reminds me always how we can push ourselves (without injury) and it makes me excited about these new physical goals.

I know what I want now, but how do I get myself to follow all my good habits again? I know She will keep me working out hard, but who is going to help me get the eating back on track?

Enter my shinynew dietitian. Today was my second meeting with her (normally we meet on Friday, but this week she'll be in training so we had to meet 2 days early). I planned to put off weighing myself until Friday morning before workout, but she wanted me to hop on the scale real quick anyhow.

I almost had a heart attack. WHAT? Now? But I drank water! And a shake! I always weigh in the same- first thing, no food or drink. It's how I do it.

Onto the scale I went, and I was down just .2 lbs. That's 2/10ths, not 2 lbs. Sigh. She told me to go ahead and weigh in on Friday also, but she wanted to check the scale herself. Hmmmm, accountability is not so fun.

So we talked about this week, and my breakthroughs and the things I have learned (like using the new 20/20 Be Well tool for tracking) and so on. I did some stuff well this week- I journaled, I tried new proteins. I did some stuff poorly- I barely grocery shopped, I kept losing my pedometer.

She suggested we go back a bit. Sort of get a clean start, take a run at 'starting over' halfway through. She said some of her clients find it helpful. YES! I agreed immediately. It makes absolute sense- clean up, start back a ways.

So here I am, end of the day on my first day of my Second Verse and I feel great. I wanted to eat after dinner, but then I realized I wasn't hungry, and I applied a technique I learned from my dietitian today- I asked myself if eating that extra snack was going to get me any closer to the new goals. And the answer was a resounding "Nope."

I think I am going to like the second verse even better than the first....

Snack, snack, snack, going off track.

So as I told you, I've been struggling a bit with losing. Last week was a no loss, but then I got to meet my new dietitian, and thought that would recharge me. I have been journaling my food, which is great, but I am struggling.

First, I feel hungry at night. I am not hungry of course, in fact if I were to make that a true statement I would say "I love to eat at night".

I thought about it- am I hungry at night? Not really. I just want to eat. And eat. And eat some more. But why, and where did this nasty habit come from.... Then I realized, when I make dinner I am eating it in phases. For example, I grilled fish and veggies the other day. The veggies went on first, so they were done first. I began to eat them while waiting for the fish.

There are at least 3 issues with this.

1. It supports snack-a-thons. Snack followed by snack followed by....you guessed it.
2. It makes it easy to forget to journal every item (who runs to a computer every 5 minutes)
3. I don't recognize the food as a meal, so I feel like I've had no dinner.

these all result in the perfect storm for overeating.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not bellying up to a pint of Ben n Jerry's, nor am I driving through Dairy Queen (I used to do that in my nightgown- how embarrassing!). I am talking about the small things that inhibit weight loss or, eventually, I think will cause regain. Like extra cheese sticks, extra Greek yogurt.

I don't tend to "binge" on one item, I just tend to add on a smorgasbord of individual low cal foods that add up, resulting in no weight loss and a very frustrated me. It needs to stop.

Taking the Bull by the Horns

Enough is enough. I lost NO weight this week. Are you kidding me? If I am not going to lose, doesn't it seem like I should be wrapped around a pint of ice cream like a python with a toddler?

I weighed in today, my weigh ins are now on Friday. I did the weigh in with my trainer, before working out because I wanted to drink water during my workout and let's face it (trying to be candid here) I am not going to fill myself with 16 ounces of water, then hope to be down a pound.

So before workout, I weighed in. Home scale said I was down about 1.5 but guess what? Home scale doesn't matter. 20/20 scale matters, and it said nothing. Goose egg. All I got was a participation ribbon for this week's efforts, no prize.

I was sad. And mad. At myself, at food, at myself again. I started some internal dialogue that sounded like a verbal abuse "how to" script as I marched on the stair stepper, with She (trainer) right there.

"Good grief", I thought. "I am on a stair climber at 6:30 am and not losing weight. Poor me. No, DUMB me. I didn't journal. Great, now I am going to fail. You have to be kidding- what will I tell people"

when suddenly an image flashed before my eyes. Nope, it wasn't my life. Nor was it the 28.6 lbs I have lost so far. It was....

LUNCHMEAT!

I love lunchmeat. Or I *did* love it, I haven't had much of it at all lately. My dietitian and I decided a month or 6 weeks ago that maybe it had too much sodium, and I needed to try to cook my own meat. Here's the problem- I don't.

So I have spent about 5 or 6 weeks eating chicken. Lots and lots of chicken. And I miss having prepared meat- like turkey pastrami, or oven roasted lunchmeat slices.

I continued to step, and began talking outloud. She is a brilliant listener and troubleshooter. I described how since I stopped eating lunchmeat, I have sort of lost my will when it comes to eating.

Now most problems in life (call them challenges, if you will) are composed of multiple facets. I haven't been eating things that aren't part of the 20/20 plan, nor have I stopped doing my shakes and other advised eating practices, but I have begun some bad habits, and here they are:

• erratic tracking (this one I tie to my dietitian flip flopping and vacation)
• extra fruit servings (I like fruit)
• not enough meat/protein (this ties to the lunchmeat, because I get tired of chicken so I eat some small serving of it and then move on to more fruit).

Now those bad habits are exactly what grow into a garden of chub- slowly but surely, slippery slope and all that.

As we chatted (and I plodded) we determined that maybe without lunchmeat/prepared meat/protein I was getting bored. So She suggested I talk to my new dietitan this morning about it.

And I did, and we resolved it. Now the answer to diet boredom is not a package of bologna, but it *is* taking the time to determine if something you are doing is working or not. And to seek the cause of a 'bad' week. And I may have done that.

My new dietitian is Kathryn, and she is delightful- I shall surely have a nickname for her soon. We dove right in, she assessed what I was doing, gave me tips and ideas and some clear goals. And we agreed that allowing myself one serving of prepared protein (ie lunchmeat or trader joes turkey meatballs) was okay each day.

I left and immediately updated my facebook status to "ready to take the bull by the horns" because I am. Especially since he's made of roast beef.

A little stuck...

I feel a little stuck. Granted, the scale went down last week (for a total loss of 28.6 lbs) but it's not moving as fast as it could. Last week was 1.2 pounds lost, this week my home scale indicates very little movement...

So I've begun to try to determine what is going on- where do I need to strengthen my skills and/or adjust my program. The first thing I thought of was my dietitian.

This all started before vacation when I found out my dietitian was taking a month of, a sort of a leave of absence. I liked her, and knew she was knowledgable from our first meeting, but at the same time I sensed something else was happening. I have no idea why, but our first meeting I wondered if she was going to be with the program for my entire time.

Sometimes I wondered if we weren't connecting, but then she was so kind- it didn't seem like that.

While she was out, I had two different substitutes. Then I was on vacation (not convenient but preplanned)

They were both wonderful, both people who fill in for folks on leave. But remember, I was gone for 2 weeks so I had

-former dietitian

-2 weeks of no dietitian (me on vacation)

-sub dietitian twice

-other sub once

- last week,back to former dietitian for one week before new dietitian this week.

are you confused yet?

Now my schedule is limited, so the coordinator was stuck with having to find me someone for my usual Thursday mornings which affected consistency. So this post isn't about a program issue for staff, it's more to help me figure out what is not working for me.

And this morning, I figured it out.

You see, She (my trainer) had me trotting along on the treadmill (still feels weird to say I "run" on it, even if it is for 5 minutes) and I was thinking about the other day while I was exercising and how I was jogging down my street and could almost see Erin right there (at the 10 o'clock position, where she stands on a stool when I am on the treadmill). When I got scared or tired, I could practically see her/hear her there reminding me that I am stronger than I know, that my body can do this, and so on.

And it dawned on me- the lack of connect with my dietitian (and consistency with the subs) has me feeling like I am on a food island. I eat within the program guidelines, I am still losing, but not as much as I could because I need that connection. I realized that I am inspired by the knowledgeable staff I get to work with, and I aim to please them. But without seeing them regularly at this important time (during Phase 1) and connecting, I am missing out.

So when I am home and don't journal my food it doesn't feel as bad as if I missed a workout. I'd never want to come in and tell Erin I didn't do all my home workouts. But I've gotten sloppy on journaling and working down some of my portions because I don't feel that accountability.

Don't think I've been holed up with Ben and Jerry's for weeks- I haven't lost my good eating habits, I just don't have the enthusiasm for the eating portion the way I do the working out, and realize that if I can connect better with my dietitian I think I can solve that.

But this, too, shall pass because on Friday I start with a new dietitian. Okay, not new- new to me. I am moving my weigh ins to Friday morning after workouts, and this Friday will be my first time with her.