Sunny outside, Raining inside

That was my facebook status today. It is sunny outside, but for some reason it's rainy inside my head.
Outside the sun is shining, sort of like my program. Overall I have had tremendous progress and am really working the program. I've been losing weight, getting fit and learning a ton.

That said, I am really having a hard time inside. My head, to be specific. The scale was up on Friday despite having a good week eating and working out. I struggled with a cold all week and had a healthy but VERY high sodium lunch out the day before weigh in, so I wasn't surprised but somehow I feel stuck. Like a great big failure.

Yep, I've looked at before pictures to motivate myself. And yep, I have a list of why I am so much better off now than I was 6 months ago. But I am still stuck.

One of our 20/20 Lifestyles videos teaches us about being in the Frustrated/Resistant phase. For a lot of people it happens just after they complete the program (when they have to go it alone) but for me, it's right now.

Why now? That's the million dollar question.

And I am not sure there's an answer. Certainly not an easy one.

• I wrapped up Phase 1 (my first 20 weeks) and am now in Phase 2, which is my last 12 weeks. Am I freaking out that I am in "phase 2" and if so, why?
• I still have about 26 pounds to lose- could that be it? That my mind is constantly calculating how much time and how much to lose. 2.6 lbs per week or you fail....
• I missed my birthday goal by almost 2 pounds. It's the first goal I've missed since starting this program. Is that where it started?
• I had a couple weeks of doing well all week then every other weekend was nut extravaganza. My relapses/lapses into overeating (even if it's food I am allowed, my portions are too high) seem more frequent. What is going on.
• I do know I've been more stressed (work, etc) than usual, and I feel like I have no buffer. I keep having this feeling that I can't "get away" from the stress. I just don't have the budget to get a massage or treat myself to something to feel better. I just don't know.

So this isn't one of those posts where I figure it all out, or even pull myself up by the bootstraps. This is just me, struggling and sharing the struggle.

My first 5k

I did it, I did it! I finished my first 5k* and I ran the whole way and there was a HILL I had no idea was going to be there, and I even did it at a pace of 11:27 (my usual pace is 12 minute mile). Oh, and my heart rate was crazy high on that sucky hill- like 180.

But I did it, I did it and I lived.

Just before the 3 mile mark (bottom of hill) I passed a few people on some sort of ill-timed adrenaline rush, which cost me at the end of the race because I darn near died at the end- I could barely run fast/sprint in the last 50 yards. It was like all the oxygen was sucked out of my body.

Here’s what I learned:

1. Sometimes the weather DOES cooperate (it was supposed to pour and yet we had a clear, sometimes sunny, day)

2. It’s super hard to find your pace among a zillion people

3. Walk/runs should start walkers and runners at different times

4. I can go faster if it means getting away from annoying ladies who talk the entire race loudly (“So then SHE got the new boots and we were going to get together but then Katie called and blahblahblah…”

5. I am capable of removing a long sleeve undershirt while running, including pins through both shirts and numbers

6. There are people insane enough to run in a full squirrel costume (and I can run faster than them)

7. I need a dog to borrow for these things, so many fun dogs (my dog is 5 pounds and would detest a crowded run)

8. I think a Zune would help, some music would have been kinda nice sometimes. Then again, it was nice to just hear the foot beats and my kids.

9. I have the best family in the world, my husband and son were jogging along cheering for me the whole way, running backwards and in circles (and ahead and back) but never once trying to make me go faster than comfortable- while my daughter ran right at my side the entire time.

10. Heart rate monitors rule, it was nice to check my heart rate and know "I can do this" (though I could hear Woodstock in my head, telling me the whole way).

I kind of like turning into an athlete again.

Here's my race time and info:

*Over 10 years ago I did a 5k, but I don't even remember it. Since I went to fat and now back to fit, I consider this my "first".

As the Worm Turns

So I weighed in, and lost 1.4 pounds. Which is good. That puts me at a 42.2 pounds total lost/removed (26.8 left to go to get to my goal).
But I needed to finish figuring out how the heck I ended up making out with my kid's school lunch JIF because a week where I am truly on track with eating, drinking water and working out is more likely to see me losing 2-3 pounds. That's one of the benefits of this amazing program- the amount you can lose.

To the rescue came my Dietitian, to add the missing peice to my puzzle. Between Woodstock and Counselor Cassie I had figured out that my weekend was hijacked and I responded by gorging on something I convinced myself was "okay". But that couldn't be all...

So Kathryn (who is, by the way, a total Dynamo - though that isn't a very cute nickname) says to me that "it's like a worm in a maze".

A worm? In a maze?

As she explained, it made more sense (I was initially struggling with why it wasn't a rat, and also who puts a worm into a maze? Is that even fair? Do they have a brain, or just a nerve bundle?)

The worm is our habits, our tendencies. They go the direction that works for them when we have stress (The maze. The maze is stress).

Wormie likes to go the easiest way. In my case, prior to 20/20 I would have gone after a box of red vines and some salt n vinegar chips. But my worm can't go there, because I don't eat those now. So he tries to go another direction- nuts. I am nuts for nuts, there are no two ways about it. And since a limited amount of nuts are allowed on 20/20, my worm is wriggling that way in the maze.

My worm needs somewhere else to go, she said. And, as usual, she wasn't going to give me the answer. Getting healthy is a lot of work.

She wanted me to come up with some alternatives for my worm. What could he do that wouldn't result in guilt, weight gain and possibly a diaper.

I came up with a couple things I do that work well:

1. berries and a magazine. I know berries are food, but they are low cal and feel like a treat. And I don't subscribe to any magazines, so getting them is a treat.
2. The barn- I have a horse, and going to the barn is a slice of heaven for me. No food required.

and I am working on adding more to my list. I think this is so important, finding things to help you deal with stress that don't involve pigging out.

I'll share more as I think of them, but I don't want to list things that I wish would make me feel better. Like, I wish that going running made me feel awesome. It does, but not until afterwards and not enough (yet) for me to hop off the Sofa of Depression to go run.

I am signing off now, leaving you with a terrible graphic that I made of a worm in a maze.

On the Good Ship Sabbotage

Sing the title of this post to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop", only the SS Sabotage is a bad, bad ship.

First of all, I had a stressful week and was tempted by a gift that included an insanely large amount of my favorite chocolate. I did a good job of avoiding the candy, but as the weekend progressed with small stressors (dead car batteries, a mild Homecoming Dance issue for my son, etc) I felt more and more like I was going to crack.

What I should have done: gone out and grocery shopped. The fridge wasn't exactly full, and I was running out of healthy food and I was about to crack.

What I did right: went out running Saturday morning and made it a record 2.7 miles. Yay, me. This was outstanding. Unfortunately, it was soon forgotten as the crazy day rolled on and I was low on food.

What I did wrong: wrapped myself around a jar of JIF peanut butter. Oh, the agony of such a terrible choice. No, seriously, I ended up with such a horrific stomach ache from the fatty stabilizers and junk in there. But I didn't stop.

On Monday I confessed to Woodstock, who sweetly started to chat with me about overeating by a "couple extra teaspoons of peanut butter". At this point I had to confess- there is no way I ate less than 2 full cups of JIF. I bet it was 3. There was no living in denial all day Sunday because I had gastrointestinal issues so bad I had to leave church early and go home.

Woodstock suggested perhaps I was pushing my limits by pigging out on something "I was allowed to have" (though she pointed out that JIF is not allowable, and rationalizing is never helpful). Yep, definitely it was a power struggle. But why? I've dealt with stress before in this program. Hmmmmm...

I was discussing this with Skinnybuns via email, and had to work my butt off all week- totally took the wind out of my sails.

 I told her that I had officially boarded the SS Self Sabotage for a cruise to Stress Island.

My journaling went a bit sideways (ie, I did a bad job of it) and Cassie (Lifestyle Counselor) and I discussed how to avoid getting on the SS SS and ways to not fall apart when the stressors just pile on one after the other. Cassie calls it hijacking- how to deal with times when you cannot control events and you feel like your life is being hijacked. I really liked that phrase.


I really feel like I pinpointed a few things, things I hadn’t even realized the FIRST time I went Nut Crazy (2 weeks prior when I ate all my snack bags of nuts- like 3 weeks worth). Here's what I learned:


When you lose control of everything else, losing control of your eating makes you feel worse not better.

 1)  Always have chicken and baby carrots around because you can pretty much eat your own bodyweight in them and not have a bad weigh in week. When you run out of these, you risk nut madness.

2) Sometimes things get hijacked no matter how hard you try to protect yourself. You just can’t avoid it, you can only avoid turning a hijacking into a plane crash.


3) If you gorge on Jif you will come VERY close to needing to wear an adult diaper to church the next day, and that’s just not fun for anyone. Then you'll spend the week working insanely hard to try to shed the JIF.

Oh, and one last thing- if you eat your own bodyweight in grilled boneless skinless chicken and baby carrots you still have to journal them, because your dietitian is always watching and counting, even if she's always on shore.

Update

Okay, so I don't think I've updated with a weigh in and graph in a while, so here goes.

This week I lost 3.2 lbs (which was awesome because I only lost .6 last week after the nut binge and was feeling discouraged). So here are the current stats....

40.8 lbs lost total
28.2 lbs left to lose

and I appear to be pretty much on track to lose it by the end of my program. Hooray :)

Farewell, Green Sweatshirt

I'm shrinking. I always thought I'd be so happy to get rid of my fat, ugly clothes as I lost weight. And I am. But I am not so pleased about getting rid of some of my favorite items. Can't they just shrink along with me?

This week I said goodbye to a few of my fat favorites. I dedicate this blog entry to them:
1) Lime green Nike sweatsuit: sure, I looked like a pregnant grasshopper in you but your cheery lime color made me smile
2) Green Old Navy Sweatshirt: not too hot, not too cold, I got my wear out of you dear friend. You always did feel better than you looked- any time I saw a photo where I was wearing you I felt like the camera added 50 pounds (then I remember that I added 70 pounds!)
3) Supercute Blazer: you were a go-to piece. You covered me up, kept me warm and made me look cute. Fanny coverage in red, orange and yellow- adorable. Always got compliments. I felt good donating you, because I know someone else will love you as much as I did.
4) Miscellaneous sweatpants: ahhhh, cotton sweats. I spent far too many hours in you. My poor dear husband faced countless dates where I'd appear ready to go wearing you.

5) Fuzzy pinkish vest with fleecy inside- you are delightful inside out or outside in. I am sure some lucky gal is going to snatch you right off the rack.

6) Wrangler Q Baby Jeans- I ride horses, so these are amazing for that (no back gap) but I'd wear these for everyday, too. I am going to miss your comfy waistband and cute pockets

and I could go on. But the thing is, I am kinda glad that I had so say goodbye to these things, because it means saying hello to smaller items and I'm making friends with some new favorites. I just hope whoever gets them shrinks out of them as well someday.

Mrs Dash

When I was younger, I used to HATE Mrs Dash. After all, what kind of seasoning has no SALT in it? I love salt, I confess. It is the most beautiful, tasty, crystal in the world. Diamonds? Meh, give me salt.

But alas, life has a way of sneaking up on us and one day we're young and thin and making fun of Mrs Dash and the next we're blogging about how wonderful she is and the taking pictures of our collection of her flavors for our blog. And sprinkling her liberally on everything we cook and eat.

It just makes good sense, because when I eat salty goodness my blood pressure goes up and I don't have good of weight loss. That's no fun.

Some days when I have salt binged I go in for my workout and my BP is so bad I can almost hear the alarms ringing up in the Lord of the Diet's office. I can see him shaking his head, disappointed in my lapse of judgement. But I can't just eat stuff with pepper on it, enter Mrs Dash.

Yep, I'm a convert.

Now I love Mrs Dash. Not the original flavor (baby steps here, people) but I love the Caribbean citrus, the lemon pepper and the fiesta lime. I have the tomato basil, but don't LOVE it. I want to try the extra spicy but haven't seen it in a store.

To my delight, Mrs Dash can be found at Fred Meyer, Safeway, QFC and most every other store. Now if she'd just come out with a sprinkle that tastes like marshmallow creme.

So go check her out- good ole Mrs Dash, she's not the fuddy duddy she once was...

Shake, Shake, Shake

Shakes have become part of my life. So I am jotting down some of my favorite blends, because who knows, maybe someone out there needs an idea for something tasty.

I should preface this with the fact that I use a Magic Bullet blender. I really labored over which to get- Magic Bullet, or Ninja. I ended up finding someone at work selling a MB for pretty cheap, so cheap won out. I love my Magic Bullet, and if I happened upon a robber in my house late one night I would most certainly grab my 20/20 shake packets and Magic Bullet before I ran out of the house.

Chocolate Cherry
Chocolate Shake Mix with frozen pitted cherries. Add 2tsp of cocoa powder and a splash of vanilla extract.
Option: splash of almond extract

Peach Pie
Vanilla Shake Mix with frozen sliced peaches and dash of cinnamon

Apple Pie
Mix together a vanilla shake packet, water, ice, 1 apple (leave on skin) and pumpkin pie spice or cinnamon. Mix.
You can also add 1 T. peanut butter
You can also use 1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce instead of an apple

Vanilla Latte

I don't drink coffee, so this is my "latte'. Warm/hot water, mixed with one packet vanilla shake mix and 2 tsp of Postum (a great coffee free substitute). Add a splash of vanilla and blend.

Option- add a splash of almond extract.

Option- add a TB of natural peanut butter

 

Pina Banana

Vanilla shake mix and a few chunks of pineapple (avoid canned with all the sugar- this should be fresh or frozen w/no sugar), few chunks of frozen banana and rum extract.

 

Strawberry PB Sandwich

Vanilla shake mix and 1 TB natural peanut butter, 1/2 cup strawberries.

 

PB Chocolate

Chocolate Shake Mix with 1tb natural peanut butter, plus 1tb cocoa powder

 

Some say not to blend the peanut butter into the shakes, but rather spoon it over the top and eat shake with a spoon. Not a bad idea, you get more flavor for your PB calories.

 

I am going to close this by saying that I thought the shake obsession was one of the weirdest, dumbest things I had ever heard before I started 20/20 and yet I now find myself advising people in line at the grocery store to try shakes instead of cereal. You just FEEL better. Some folks use other brands (I hear the Costco protein is great, the stuff in the purple bag) but I still use the 20/20 shake mix. It's premeasured, blends great and tastes super.

 

'Nuff said.

Paying the Piper (in nuts)

I am spending the week "paying the piper" as my mom would say. I decided to play, now I have to pay. Where did I play? In the dang almonds again. Nuts.
NO MORE NUTS ARE ALLOWED IN MY HOUSE.

I can assure you there aren't any there now, because I had a second nut extravaganza this weekend. Dang it! I was so lucky to recover from the last one and still lose, and I did it again?

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So here I am paying the piper with extra steps, hard workouts, and all the things that make a diet/lifestyle change so rough. I have tried throughout my journey to learn along the way, and to do things in a sustainable manner. For example, I don't go nuts doing extra workouts (beyond my 5 per week) because I know I won't sustain that.

This week I learned that if I make unhealthy eating choices, I am also making miserable lifestyle choices. Not only because I will have a food hangover the next day or two, but I also can end up condemning myself to a VERY long week of extra steps, extra workouts, extra hard regular workouts, extra water, extra sleep... and it's extra stressful (and stress can inhibit weight loss so that's bad). All for a can of almonds?

and yes, I ate the WHOLE CAN. and then went on to eat every packet of nut butter I had in the cabinet leftover from vacation. and then I ate all my pre-measured baggies of almonds for snacks (6 almonds per baggie, and there were empty baggies everywhere).

Gross.

But let's not wallow in guilt here, let's figure out how I can NOT do this again. Because I am working waaayyyy too hard this week just trying to not have my scale show a weight gain tomorrow.

• For one, my Dietitian says let's find another healthy fat that isn't nuts. I cannot control myself with nuts (I think I could be the only person alive who actually likes Brazil nuts even).
• For two, I need to plan ahead so I don't get Monster Hungry. Monster hungry leads to monstrous stupid choices, and since I can see that weekends are more challenging I clearly need to plan ahead
• For three, I need to help myself remember the goal- so I have posted a few of my 20/20 fliers around the house to remind me how important this program is to me.

The funny thing is the hardest part about this week hasn't been making smart eating choices, or working hard (Woodstock has been dutifully working my tail off), the hardest part has been being kind to myself through the week. So many times I have begun sentences in my head berating myself for making a "mistake", or telling myself to expect failure, or not to make it any further.

But there's no room for negative self talk in 20/20. It causes stress, it makes you feel crappy, and frankly it's exhausting coming up with new and creative insults for one's self. So I am just going to use this week to stop that negative self talk and try to just dutifully work off the damage I have done while reminding myself to remember this the next time I am tempted to go on a nut gorge.