But maybe there is no one to blame, not even me.
Now this isn't to say I am not accountable for the yoyo-weight gain and loss I've experienced since December, I am absolutely accountable for every morsel I've tucked into my mouth, every day I haven't tracked my food, and so on. But blaming myself seems to be something I am good at (not to mention it does not seem to help, in fact it makes me struggle even more) so this week I have decided to look at the reason I am here in the first place.
I have a metabolic disorder. I need to change my lifestyle. Changing my lifestyle isn't easy, and it's not something I've ever done successfully on my own so I am in 20/20 to get the support I need to make those changes and learn to overcome pitfalls.
Oh, I've fallen in a pit all right.
I know it started when I had to take a break from working out back in December because of that cold. That sucked, and was a gateway to laziness, too many sneaks of good food, and general laziness (not even getting in my 5,000 non workout steps).
I returned from New Year’s 10 lbs up. That SUCKED, but I lost like 4 of it the first week. The following week I struggled like crazy- and for the life of me I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I tried eating cleaner and cleaner (which seemed to result in me feeling more and more
smothered) and instead of looking where I had been and where I was going I kept trying to force myself back to perfection in dieting. Another mistake.
I've never been perfect, not before this program and certainly not in it. But earlier in the program, when I was consistently losing weight, I did make sure to only speak nicely to myself and to celebrate every little victory. Lately, I've been counting every mistake and focusing on those.
Meeting with my Lifestyles Coach/Counselor (Cassie) through 20/20 has really helped. Yesterday she reminded me that it's always forward, not to try to go backward and do something again but to look at where I am now and what my goals are. That hadn't occurred to me- I was so busy trying to get "back to doing well" that I was chasing my own (growing) tail.
It snowed here last week, which meant I couldn't get in to the ProClub to work out. I did great Monday, stomping through the snow and Tuesday I danced around the house to keep my heart rate up. But my left hip has been hurting, and suddenly Wed, Thurs, and Friday slipped away without workouts. I left for San Diego for my Grandmother's funeral feeling like I could work out there but my hip ached and I drowned myself in almonds before the plane even took off.
I arrived in San Diego with a sore hip, constipated as a barn owl from all those almonds and feeling huge. Uh oh, do you see that light at the end of my tunnel? You got it- it was an oncoming train.
I ate like a maniac all weekend, and hated myself. I hated how I looked and the swelling that is a gift with purchase when you eat crappy food (all the extra sodium). I knew I had to weigh in on Tuesday when I returned but I didn't stop.
I got on the scale Tuesday to weigh in (since i was gone Friday I had agreed to weigh in as soon as I returned) and the scale said 192. Are you KIDDING me? I wanted to scream. Normally the morning of a weigh in I don't eat or drink before the scale but I didn't care, I drank my shake and a bottle of water. I felt doomed.
This was up like 15 pounds from when I was ALREADY up after Christmas. I was in shock- I knew it would be bad, but I had no idea I'd done that much damage.
I won't beat myself up here, because I spent the rest of Tuesday doing just that. After my Tuesday morning workout I saw a physical therapist to find out why my hip was hurting (for about 10 days straight) and it seems I have bursitis and need to take it easy.
The fatty inside me considered throwing in the towel- I am almost as fat as I was when I got here, I'm all sweaty and miserable. Booooooo.
But my team won't let me just disappear, and despite my howling how lame I am for gaining weight and struggling during the program they remind me that now is the time to struggle because I have my support system in place. Woodstock asked me yesterday "when you started, did you ever think you could lose weight? Did you think you'd ever run a 5k?" and I had to answer "no, I didn't think I could lose and heck no, I never thought I could run for 35+ minutes straight."
So here I am... right where I am. I think I have about 4 weeks left in the program but a lifetime to live the right way. There's no finish line here. So instead of kicking myself for losing progress and being further behind (on weight loss) than I wanted to be, I am remembering how lucky I am to be here in the first place. I am focusing on wins, tracking and eating right, and talking nicely to myself, because in the end I will get past this wall if I have to tear it down brick by brick.
