Monday, May 30, 2011

How did I get here (and how do I go home)?

How did I get this size?And in this shape? You're probably wondering whether I have struggled with weight my whole life or just woke up one morning with almost 69 pounds to lose. Neither. I gained it over time.
I was thin growing up, and remained a healthy weight until I was 30, which is when the weight really begin to creep on and soon it was out of control. The first 20 or so pounds wasn't so visible, and I battled them diligently but when I was about 34 things began to really spiral out of control and I became "plus size". Suddenly the amount I needed to lose seemed insurmountable. 30 pounds, then 40, then 50, all the way to 69.
I used to think there was a monumental event or decision, or maybe a physical ailment. I think I kind of hoped that because then it might be easier to deal with and remove the weight. But the fact is, I ate too much. And didn't move enough. And started working a desk job. And those 3 things are a free ticket to ChubbyTown, especially as we hit our mid thirties and metabolism slows and muscle mass begins to decline if you don't manage it.
I did have a hysterectomy at age 30, and I have thyroid issues, but still, I ate and didn't move and gained. Between the age of 30 and my current 41 (I am now almost 42), I put on 69 pounds. Slower at first, faster later on. And as I gained, I felt worse and was less inclined to move. Sometimes I'd lose 5-10 lbs but then I'd realize I had to do that many more times to reach goal and I'd give up. I beat myself up mentally over and over- what was wrong with me? Why was I so mentally weak? How did I become someone I never dreamed I'd be?
At about 38, I did pretty well on Weight Watchers, losing about 20 pounds (no exercise, calorie reduction only) but it crept back on (and then some).
I'm about 5'8", so sometimes people will tell me I look just fine, but when I had to buy a women's size 18 pants, I knew they were just being nice. Or, worse, they had only ever known me when I was large.
I was sick of it all:
  • hating every photo ever taken of me
  • having to take blood pressure medicine
  • shopping in plus size stores (later it was being too big for the smallest plus size)
  • being too big for a size XL
  • having a hard time walking up some stairs. even a few stairs
  • being told to lose weight every time I went to the doctor
  • listening to the list of player statistics at my son's football game and realizing I weighed more than most members of a high school football team
  • avoiding get togethers and reunions because I didn't want anyone to see how I looked

I could go on and on with this list. I even skipped my high school reunion because I couldn't bear to see the people who knew me before I let myself go. I realize many folks dread HR reunions but I loved HS and my friends there, and looked forward to those.

I went out to MVM.com, a website where you can make a virtual model and made the following pic just to give you an idea of where I am, and where I am headed.

So that's it- maybe at some point I'll share specific weights with you, but for now suffice it to say I will lose 69 pounds, and learn to keep it off so my list turns from one of things I hate into a list of goals- things I am excited about. Thanks for joining me on my journey!