Goal!

Today I met with my counselor. Not the one from 20/20 (though I adore her and cannot wait to tell her tomorrow), this was my regular counselor. One I've seen regularly for years to deal with my depression and anxiety.

I haven't seen her in over a month (which is when things started getting off track for me) and she commented on how great I look. I replied with a blunt, "I'm stuck. Just... stuck. Not gaining, but kinda not losing. Stuck."

She asked why?

I explained that I am halfway there- or close. Almost halfway through my time in 20/20 but I feel like I won't make it (lose all the weight). Like this is it, I lost 28 and I'll never lose the other 41. And it's depressing.

Her first response was an immediate "you will. You WILL lose the weight, because you're in a program designed to help you succeed. Everyone loses weight in that program. But whatever is going on in your head, we need to address- because losing it is one thing but learning why you're struggling or why you think you will fail- that's another." That made sense- after all you see lots of before and after pictures of people of all sizes, they all lost the weight. And I want to be among them, but even moreso I want to be among the gals I see in the locker room who are STILL thin, who still keep up these great habits. Who seized 20/20 as the opportunity to change their lives for good. Forever.

She asked why I chose to do 20/20. What I wanted to change. I quickly listed:

• out of shape
• sick all the time
• hate how I look
• pain in joints

she asked me one by one how I was doing on those. I proudly commented that I feel great. My joints don't hurt, and I am in better shape than I have been in many years. Joint pain- gone. I even feel pretty good about how I look.

"So, are you done?" she asked. I immediately said "No" but I realized, I have been sort of acting like I am. I talk about wanting to lose the rest, but my behaviors this past month haven't supported that. Sure, I haven't gained any weight, but I should be losing more and really shouldn't have weeks with no loss at all (like last week).

It was then I realized that my goals, my reason for being here had been met, in a way. I don't want to sound smug, I just think it's so important to be really honest here. This summer I had a couple of events I really wanted to lose weight before, but right now there's nothing big coming up. I am feeling good, SO improved over before... I think I forgot that I will feel even better when I get further along.

Goals! I needed new goals!

So we wrote a few down. It was scary, because after you get out of the big goals (want to be out of plus-size clothes, want to feel better, want more energy) you have to face the things you're afraid to admit you want. So here's my list:

• Run a 5k and run the entire way (these may be two goals, let's see how the first one goes)
• Run in a Masters (adults/old people like me) Track Meet - sprints. This one is a long time dream of mine, because I ran track growing up, along with my whole family.
• To reach my goal weight of 140.

It was so scary to say those things out loud. Admitting I want to feel better is one thing, and to not want pain... but to begin to admit the real dreams- ones that are more about me, and things I want to do, that was hard.

So she asked if I was signed up for a 5k, for starters. I explained that I have been looking for one, but haven't found one yet. (Like they're so rare). She said I need to sign up, and I told her I need to make sure I can run the whole way. She reminded me that even if I had to walk part of it that I could still finish. And that lots of people would be walking, and that if I didn't run the whole thing, that could be a new mini goal.

So here I sit, seeking out "my race". A 5k, on a Saturday, in October. It's the start of a new set of goals...